51 Lawyer Jokes: The 2017 “Alternative Facts & Battle Royales” Edition

In 2017, the legal world learned that if you don’t like the evidence, you can just call it “Alternative Facts.” It was the year of the iPhone X (FaceID: the fastest way for the police to unlock your phone), the rise of Bitcoin’s first massive bubble, and the era where “The Floss” dance became a copyright litigation nightmare.

The 2017 Top 10: The “Post-Truth” Classics

1. The Alternative Facts Defense: Why did the lawyer tell the judge the moon was made of cheese? He wasn’t lying; he was just providing “alternative astronomical facts.”
2. The Fortnite Dance Suit: Why did the lawyer sue Epic Games? Because his client “invented” a dance move at a 1998 wedding and now he wants a 2% royalty on every virtual V-Buck.
3. The iPhone X FaceID: Why did the criminal lawyer hate FaceID? Because “you have the right to remain silent,” but your face just gave the police the password to your entire life.
4. The Bitcoin Bubble: Why did the lawyer start accepting Bitcoin in 2017? Because by the time the client finished the consultation, the fee had gone from $500 to $5,000 (and back to $50).
5. The Fyre Festival Suit: Why did the lawyer love the Fyre Festival? Because “luxury villas” turning into “emergency tents” is the kind of contractual breach that pays for a lawyer’s actual luxury villa.
6. The Nintendo Switch: Why did the lawyer bring a Switch to the deposition? He told the client it was a “mobile evidence review unit,” but he was just trying to beat Breath of the Wild.
7. The Wonder Woman Effect: Why did the lawyer represent Wonder Woman? To sue the Lasso of Truth for “unauthorized extraction of self-incriminating statements without a Miranda warning.”
8. The Handmaid’s Tale: Why did the lawyer watch the show? To take notes on how to draft a “Decree of Absolute Power” that actually holds up in appellate court.
9. The Salt Bae Motion: Why did the lawyer flip his wrist when filing the brief? He was “seasoning” the lawsuit with just enough “malicious intent” to make it stick.
10. The IT Movie: Why did the lawyer represent Pennywise? He argued that “luring children into a sewer” was just an unconventional way of looking for new “heirs” for a probate case.

The Full 2017 Lawyer Archive (Selected Rows)

11. The Smart Speaker Witness: Why did the lawyer subpoena the Google Home? Because it’s the only witness that was actually listening when the client said, “I hope I don’t get caught.”
12. The MeToo Movement: Why were HR lawyers working 20 hours a day? Because “the way we’ve always done it” suddenly became “Exhibit A” in a million-dollar lawsuit.
13. The Tesla Model 3 Launch: Why did the lawyer buy a Tesla? To see if he could sue the “Autopilot” for “intentional infliction of boredom” during his commute.
14. The fidget Spinner Craze: Why did the lawyer give fidget spinners to the jury? To keep them distracted while he explained why his client’s financial fraud was “just a big misunderstanding.”
15. The Instagram Influencer: Why did the lawyer sue an influencer? For “fraudulent use of filters” that led his client to believe a budget motel was a 5-star resort.
16. The Beauty and the Beast Suit: Why did the lawyer represent the Beast? To sue the enchantress for “unauthorized physical transformation without a medical license.”
17. The Emoji Movie: Why did the lawyer sue the producers? For “intentional infliction of cinematic trauma” on a global scale.
18. The 5G Hype: Why was the lawyer happy? Because faster internet meant his “automated billing” could charge the client before they even hung up the phone.
19. The Jury Selection: Why did the lawyer reject the Bitcoin miner? Because he didn’t want anyone on the jury who believed in “decentralized justice.”
20. The Technicality: Why did the lawyer sue the “Eclipse” (August 2017)? For “temporary obstruction of justice” and unauthorized use of a “dark mode.”
21. The Office Kombucha: Why did the lawyer sue the office tap? For “failing to provide a billable-grade fermented experience.”
22. The Star Wars: The Last Jedi: Why did the lawyer represent Luke Skywalker? For “abandonment of Jedi duties and failure to provide an environmental impact study for the island.”
23. The Coffee Price: Why did the lawyer sue the $12 “Deconstructed” coffee? He argued that “assembling the product yourself” should result in a 50% labor discount.
24. The Retainer Fee: Why did the lawyer call it a “Battle Royale Retainer”? Because 100 lawyers go in, but only one comes out with the money.
25. The Lab Rat (17 Edition): Why did scientists use lawyers for a “Fake News” study? Because the lawyers were the only ones who could make a lie sound like a “statutory interpretation.”
26. The Speeding Ticket: Why did the lawyer argue the radar was “Fake News”? He claimed the numbers were “alternative speeds” generated by a biased algorithm.
27. The Inheritance: Why did the lawyer bring a drone to the reading of the will? To “airdrop” the bill for his services directly onto the heirs’ laps.
28. The Divorce Settlement: Why did the lawyer get the Nintendo Switch? Because he proved he was the only one who actually “switched” his loyalty to the highest bidder.
29. The Mirror: Why did the lawyer buy a “Ring Light” mirror? To make sure his “guilty look” was perfectly illuminated for the Zoom era (which he felt was coming).
30. The Small Print: Why did the lawyer use “Fyre Festival Orange” font? To show the client that this deal was a “hot mess.”
31. The Power Move: Why did the lawyer carry an iPhone X and a BlackBerry? One for the future, and one to show he still remembers where the “shredded documents” are.
32. The Final Summary: Why did the lawyer want to be buried with a “Victory Royale” umbrella? So he could float down to his final hearing in style.
33. The Hourly Rate: Why did the lawyer charge for the time he spent “watching a viral video”? “In-depth research into cultural trends and digital liability.”
34. The Internship: Why was the intern sad? He was told he was a “Fact-Checker,” which meant he had to find “Alternative Facts” that supported the partner’s lies.
35. The Evidence: Why did the lawyer bring a “Juicero” to court? To prove that “useless and expensive” is a valid business model, not a crime.
36. The Negotiation: Why did the lawyer start “Flossing” during the settlement? To distract the other side from the fact that he just stole their remaining assets.
37. The Tech Support: What did the lawyer say to the IT guy? “Can you make my digital footprint look like I was ‘out of office’ when I was actually ‘at the casino’?”
38. The 2017 Legacy: What’s the most 2017 thing a lawyer did? He billed a client for “Time spent explaining why a ‘Meme’ can be used as a character witness.”
39. The Closing Argument: Why did the lawyer cross the road? To serve a subpoena to the chicken’s “Alternate Reality version.”
40. The Professional Ego: Why does a lawyer never use “Incognito”? Because he wants the world to be intimidated by his search history.
41. The Witness Stand: Why did the lawyer bring a “Fidget Spinner” to the stand? To make the witness look “unstable and dizzy” under pressure.
42. The Library: Why did the lawyer sue the library? For having a “Truth” section that didn’t include his billable opinions.
43. The Graduation: What do you call a lawyer who specialized in “Vine Law” in 2017? “A guy who is now desperately trying to learn what a ‘V-Buck’ is.”
44. The Final Word: Why did the lawyer cross the road? To bill the chicken for “Consultation on the legal definition of ‘The Other Side’.”
45. The Justice League Suit: Why did the lawyer represent the Flash? For “unauthorized time-travel-assisted insider trading.”
46. The Snapchat Map: Why did the lawyer love the “Snap Map”? Because he could see exactly which “sick” employee was currently at a music festival.
47. The 2017 Verdict: Why do lawyers love 2017? Because when facts are “alternative,” the billable hours are infinite.
48. The Instagram Face Filter: Why did the lawyer use the “Dog Filter”? To make his “barking at the judge” look more endearing.
49. The Pinterest Board: Why did the lawyer have a “Loophole Inspiration” board? To find new ways to escape the consequences of his own contracts.
50. The Last Word: Why did the lawyer cross the road? Because the chicken’s “Alternative Fact” was that the road didn’t exist.
51. The Siri/Alexa Rivalry: What happens when a lawyer has both? He makes them sue each other for “unauthorized eavesdropping” and bills for the mediation.