34 Razzie Awards Jokes: The 2013 “Movie 43, After Earth & Lone Ranger” Edition

In 2013, the 34th Razzie Awards hit a goldmine of bad taste. It was the year Hollywood’s biggest stars were tricked into the most disgusting anthology ever made, Will Smith tried to launch his son’s career into orbit but crashed on a boring planet, and Johnny Depp decided a dead bird was a great fashion accessory.

The 2013 Razzie Red Carpet Top 10: “Disasters, Spaceships & Sad Tontos”

1. The Movie 43 Nightmare: Why did Movie 43 win Worst Picture? Because it’s the only film that makes you wonder if the entire A-list cast was being held hostage during filming.
2. After Earth’s Nepotism: Why did Will and Jaden Smith win Worst Screen Couple? Because the chemistry between them was less “father-son bond” and more “forced family vacation in front of a green screen.”
3. The Lone Ranger’s Bird: Why was Johnny Depp nominated? Because wearing a taxidermied crow as a hat doesn’t count as a performance—it counts as a fashion emergency.
4. Grown Ups 2’s Laziness: Why did it lead with 9 nominations? Because Adam Sandler realized he could just film a literal frat party with his friends and call it a sequel.
5. Tyler Perry’s Temptation: Why did Kim Kardashian win Worst Supporting Actress? Because she proved that being a reality star requires a very different set of skills than acting in a movie.
6. The After Earth Fix: Why was Jaden Smith a target? Because his performance was so wooden that the CGI trees were trying to claim him as one of their own.
7. The Host’s Boredom: Why was it hit? Because it proved that even without vampires, the source material could still make an audience want to sleep for a century.
8. Scary Movie 5’s Expiry: Why was it nominated? Because parodying movies that came out years ago is a great way to ensure a theater stays empty.
9. Naomi Watts’ Royal Mess: Why she was nominated for Diana? For proving that even an Oscar winner can’t save a script that feels like it was written by a gossip blog.
10. The “Worst Screen Couple” Special: Why did the entire cast of Movie 43 win? Because the Razzies couldn’t pick just two people to blame for that cinematic disaster.

The Full 2013 Razzie Jokes Archive

11. Worst Picture: Why Movie 43? Because it’s 12 short films, and every single one of them is competing for the title of “Worst Thing Ever Filmed.”
12. Worst Actor: Why Jaden Smith? For proving that “Earth” is a much better place when he’s not trying to save it on a movie set.
13. Worst Actress: Why Tyler Perry for A Madea Christmas? Because at this point, the Razzies consider Tyler Perry in a dress to be a perennial favorite for failure.
14. Worst Supporting Actor: Why Will Smith? For playing a character so stoic he managed to drain the excitement out of every scene.
15. Worst Supporting Actress: Why Kim Kardashian? For proving that playing a character is hard when the camera isn’t just following your daily life.
16. Worst Director: Why the “13 People Who Directed Movie 43”? Because it takes 13 directors to ensure a movie has absolutely no redeeming qualities.
17. Worst Screenplay: Why Movie 43? For a script that was clearly assembled from ideas found in a Hollywood dumpster.
18. Worst Remake or Sequel: Why The Lone Ranger? For taking a legendary hero and making him a sidekick in his own expensive mess.
19. Worst Screen Couple: Why Jaden and Will Smith? For proving that some family projects should stay at home.
20. The “Machete Kills” Burn: Why Lady Gaga? For a debut that tried so hard to be “cool” it forgot to be in a good movie.
21. The “Hangover Part III” Vibe: Why was it hit? For being a “comedy” where the only relief was the end credits.
22. The “R.I.P.D.” Logic: Why Jeff Bridges and Ryan Reynolds? For a movie so similar to Men in Black that it felt like a copyright infringement.
23. The “Battle of the Year” Failure: Why Chris Brown? For proving that being a dancer doesn’t automatically make one a movie star.
24. The “Getaway” Burn: Why Selena Gomez? For a thriller that moved so fast it left the audience’s interest behind in the parking lot.
25. The “Grudge Match” Vibe: Why Stallone and De Niro? For a boxing movie where the only thing hurt was the legacy of their better films.
26. Worst Actor Runner-up: Why Johnny Depp? For the moment he realized his career was becoming a collection of weird hats.
27. Worst Actress Runner-up: Why Lindsay Lohan for The Canyons? For a movie that was billed as a comeback but felt like a “don’t come back.”
28. Worst Supporting Actor Runner-up: Why Taylor Lautner for Grown Ups 2? For bringing an intensity to a comedy that nobody asked for.
29. Worst Supporting Actress Runner-up: Why Salma Hayek for Grown Ups 2? For proving that even the most talented stars will do anything for an easy paycheck.
30. The “Jack the Giant Slayer” CGI: Why was it hit? For being a $200 million movie about beans that didn’t add up to much.
31. The “Smurfs 2” Burn: Why? Because “Blue” is the perfect description of the audience’s mood.
32. The “Identity Thief” Vibe: Why Melissa McCarthy? For a comedy that felt like it stole two hours of everyone’s time.
33. The “Carrie” Remake: Why Chloe Grace Moretz? For proving that some classics are better left alone.
34. The 2013 Final Razzie Vibe: Why was it a landmark? Because it showed that no matter how many stars you pack into a film like Movie 43, the Razzies will still have enough awards to go around.