34 Miscellaneous Jokes: The 2009 “Genesis & Green-Screens” Edition

By 2009, the 2000s were having a full-blown identity crisis. We were still reeling from the financial crash, but we found solace in farm simulators on Facebook and watching a pop star named Lady Gaga wear a dress made of actual raw meat. It was the year we said goodbye to the King of Pop, watched a pilot land a plane on a river, and realized that “The Cloud” was no longer just something that ruined your picnic, but the place where all our data went to live forever.

The 2009 Top 10: The “Avatar & Bitcoin” Classics

1. The Launch of Bitcoin (Genesis Block): Why was January 3rd so quiet? Because Satoshi Nakamoto mined the first 50 coins, and while the world was busy crying over bank bailouts, the “Internet’s Gold” was quietly being born in a digital cradle.
2. Avatar Premiere: Why was everyone wearing plastic glasses? Because James Cameron spent 15 years and half the world’s money to prove that blue aliens in 3D were the only thing that could make us forget we were sitting in a sticky theater seat.
3. The Rise of FarmVille: Why were we all farmers? Because Zynga realized that the human brain is hardwired to enjoy clicking on digital strawberries and bothering 400 Facebook friends for “help” with a virtual tractor.
4. The Miracle on the Hudson: Why was a river a runway? Because Captain “Sully” Sullenberger decided that birds shouldn’t ruin a good flight, landing a massive jet on the water and proving that real-life heroes don’t always wear capes—sometimes they wear pilot epaulets.
5. The Death of Michael Jackson: Why did the internet break? Because in June, the King of Pop passed away, and the sheer volume of people searching for news caused Twitter, Google, and Wikipedia to collectively say, “I can’t handle this” and crash.
6. The Launch of Windows 7: Why was it so “clean”? Because Microsoft spent two years apologizing for Windows Vista by giving us an operating system that actually worked and didn’t ask for permission to move the mouse.
7. The Kanye vs. Taylor Incident: Why did he let her finish? Because at the VMAs, Kanye West decided that Beyoncé had “one of the best videos of all time,” officially creating the most awkward meme in award show history.
8. The Launch of WhatsApp: Why did we stop texting? Because two former Yahoo employees decided that paying 10 cents for a “green bubble” message was a scam, starting the era of the double-blue checkmark anxiety.
9. The Hangover: Why was there a tiger in the bathroom? Because 2009 taught us that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas—unless your friend Mike Tyson is involved and you’ve lost your memory.
10. The Launch of “Angry Birds”: Why were the birds so mad? Because a Finnish company realized that slingshotting grumpy poultry at green pigs was the only way to make sure no one ever paid attention in a business meeting again.

The Full 2009 Miscellaneous Jokes Archive

11. The Burj Khalifa Completion: Why was the sky getting poked? Because Dubai finished the world’s tallest building, making every other skyscraper feel like it was just a starter home.
12. The “Balloon Boy” Hoax: Why were we watching a silver balloon? Because the world spent two hours praying for a kid who was actually just hiding in the attic, proving that “reality TV” had officially gone too far.
13. Uncharted 2: Among Thieves: Why was the train hanging off a cliff? Because Naughty Dog gave us a cinematic masterpiece that made us feel like Indiana Jones, but with better quips and more climbing.
14. The Launch of Kickstarter: Why were we “backing” things? Because someone decided that the best way to fund a potato salad or a smart watch was to ask 10,000 strangers for five bucks.
15. Up (The Movie): Why were we crying in the first ten minutes? Because Pixar decided that a silent montage of a marriage was more emotionally devastating than any horror movie ever made.
16. The Launch of Venmo: Why was “paying back” so social? Because we decided that everyone needs to see a public feed of us paying our roommates for “pizza and bad decisions.”
17. Minecraft (Alpha) Release: Why was everything a square? Because Notch created a world where you could punch trees and build castles, starting an addiction that would eventually consume the youth of the entire planet.
18. The Slumdog Millionaire Sweep: Why were we dancing in a train station? Karena 2009 was the year we realized that “It is written” and that Jai Ho was the only song we needed on our iPods.
19. The Launch of the Motorola Droid: Why did it say “DROID” so loudly? Because Verizon and Google teamed up to make a phone that was the “anti-iPhone,” complete with a sliding keyboard and a very aggressive marketing campaign.
20. District 9: Why were the aliens eating cat food? Because Peter Jackson and Neill Blomkamp showed us a sci-fi world that was gritty, political, and made us feel surprisingly bad for giant “prawns.”
21. The Launch of Foursquare: Why were we “Mayors” of Starbucks? Because in 2009, “checking in” to a location was a badge of honor, before we realized that broadcasting our exact location at all times was a bit weird.
22. Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face”: Why was she wearing a disco ball? Because Gaga arrived to tell us that pop music should be weird, theatrical, and have at least 15 costume changes per video.
23. The Launch of Bing: Why was Google laughing? Because Microsoft launched a search engine with pretty background pictures, trying to make “Bing it” a thing. (Spoiler: It didn’t quite stick).
24. Star Trek (Reboot): Why was there so much lens flare? Because J.J. Abrams decided that the future is very, very bright, and that Chris Pine was the only man handsome enough to be Captain Kirk.
25. The Launch of “The Word” (Microsoft Office 2010 Beta): Why was the “Ribbon” everywhere? Because Microsoft decided that we needed more buttons and less space to actually type our essays.
26. Zombieland: Why were there rules? Because Woody Harrelson taught us that the apocalypse is manageable as long as you have “cardio,” “double tap,” and a supply of Twinkies.
27. The Launch of Fitbit (First Tracker): Why were we counting steps? Because 2009 was the year we started wearing a tiny plastic clip to prove that we walked to the fridge and back.
28. Parks and Recreation Debut: Why was the pit so deep? Because Amy Poehler and a bunch of lovable losers in Pawnee proved that local government is 90% bureaucracy and 10% waffles.
29. The Launch of Wolf-ram Alpha: Why was it so smart? Because a “computational search engine” arrived that could solve your calculus homework but couldn’t tell you where the nearest pizza place was.
30. Twilight: New Moon: Why was everyone shirtless? Because the sequel arrived, and we had to officially pick between a vampire who sparkles and a werewolf who never wears a jacket.
31. The Launch of Google Wave: Why were we confused? Because Google launched a “collaboration tool” that was supposed to replace email, but was so complicated that even Google employees didn’t know how to use it.
32. Jersey Shore Debut: Why was the hair so big? Because MTV gave us “GTL” (Gym, Tan, Laundry) and a group of people who made “The Situation” a household name.
33. The Launch of the Barnes & Noble Nook: Why was there a tiny color screen at the bottom? Because they wanted to fight the Kindle by adding a second screen that did… almost nothing.
34. New Year’s Eve 2009: Why were we so ready for 2010? Because the decade of the “Noughties” was finally over, and we were ready to see if the “Teens” would be any less weird. (Narrator: They were not).