34 Hollywood & Acting Jokes: The 2017 “Logan’s Tears, Get Out & The Shape of Water” Edition

In 2017, Hollywood decided to get personal. It was the year we learned that a superhero movie could be a gritty Western, that a tea cup and a spoon are the most terrifying weapons in the world, and that the most romantic partner for a woman is a fish-man from a secret laboratory. If you weren’t busy crying over a pair of adamantium claws, you were probably wondering if you should “Get Out” of your girlfriend’s parents’ house before they started admiring your “physical attributes.”

The 2017 Industry Top 10: “Adamantium, Tea Cups & Pennywise”

1. The Logan Farewell: Why was everyone weeping? Because Hugh Jackman proved that after 17 years, the most invincible man on Earth could finally be defeated by a very long forest hike and a daughter who is even angrier than he is.
2. The Get Out “Sunken Place”: Why was a tea cup so scary? Because Jordan Peele realized that true horror isn’t a monster with a chainsaw—it’s a polite white lady with a spoon and a very unsettling interest in your subconscious.
3. The Shape of Water Romance: Why the fish-man? Because Guillermo del Toro spent $20 million to prove that if you’re lonely enough, a mute swamp creature from the Amazon is a better romantic lead than anyone on Tinder.
4. The Wonder Woman Shield: Why was DC finally smiling? Because Gal Gadot and Patty Jenkins realized that if you put a woman in charge of saving the world, she’ll actually get it done in No Man’s Land while the guys are still arguing about the map.
5. The It Red Balloon: Why the clown? Because Bill Skarsgård proved that 2017 was the year we all became terrified of storm drains, yellow raincoats, and anyone named Pennywise who offers us a free balloon.
6. The Thor: Ragnarok Glow-up: Why was Chris Hemsworth so funny? Because Taika Waititi arrived and told Thor he could stop being a Shakespearean god and start being a cosmic surfer who gets beaten up by a Hulk in a spa.
7. The Lady Bird Realism: Why was Sacramento the star? Because Greta Gerwig proved that a teenage girl’s greatest enemy isn’t a villain—it’s just her mom and the fact that she chose “Lady Bird” as her given name.
8. The Blade Runner 2049 Rain: Why so much neon? Because Denis Villeneuve decided that the future should be 163 minutes of Ryan Gosling looking sad in the fog while Hans Zimmer’s soundtrack tries to vibrate your soul out of your body.
9. The Baby Driver Beats: Why the iPods? For a movie where the main character was essentially a getaway driver who couldn’t function unless he had a perfectly timed playlist for every gear shift and coffee run.
10. The Star Wars: The Last Jedi Milk: Why the green stuff? For a movie so divisive that it made the entire internet argue for three years about whether Luke Skywalker should be drinking alien milk or throwing lightsabers over his shoulder.

The Full 2017 Acting & Industry Archive

11. The Dunkirk Silence: Why no dialogue? Because Christopher Nolan realized that if you have enough planes, boats, and ticking clocks, your actors don’t actually need to speak to win ten technical Oscars.
12. The Call Me by Your Name Peach: Why the fruit? For a performance by Timothée Chalamet so sensitive it made every person in 2017 want to move to Italy and buy a bicycle.
13. The Coco Guitar: Why the tears? For a Pixar movie that reminded us that the only thing more important than family is making sure you have a photo of your great-grandfather before he vanishes from the afterlife.
14. The Three Billboards Anger: Why Frances McDormand? For a performance so fierce it made every small-town police chief in America want to go on a very long vacation.
15. The John Wick: Chapter 2 Pencil: Why the museum? For proving that if you give Keanu Reeves a suit and a writing utensil, he can take out half the international assassins in Rome.
16. The Beauty and the Beast Yellow: Why Emma Watson? For a remake that proved people will pay $1 billion to see a talking clock and a candlestick sing, as long as it looks like the cartoon.
17. The I, Tonya Nails: Why Margot Robbie? For proving that figure skating is a contact sport and that being a “bad girl” in the 90s required a lot of hairspray and a very suspicious husband.
18. The Spider-Man: Homecoming High School: Why Tom Holland? For a movie that proved Peter Parker’s biggest threat isn’t the Vulture—it’s asking his crush to the homecoming dance.
19. The Disaster Artist “Oh Hi”: Why James Franco? For a movie about the worst movie ever made, proving that in 2017, irony was the highest form of flattery.
20. The Darkest Hour Cigar: Why Gary Oldman? For a performance where he wore so much makeup he looked more like Winston Churchill than Winston Churchill ever did.
21. The Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 Tape: Why Baby Groot? For proving that a tiny twig dancing to ELO can sell more toys than the rest of the Marvel cast combined.
22. The Phantom Thread Mushroom: Why Daniel Day-Lewis? For his “final” role, proving that a high-end dressmaker is just a guy who wants a very specific type of breakfast.
23. The Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle: Why the Rock? For a sequel that proved that the best way to save a franchise is to put a group of teenagers inside the bodies of Jack Black and Kevin Hart.
24. The Kingsman: The Golden Circle: Why Elton John? For a sequel that was 10% action and 90% Elton John kicking people in a feather suit.
25. The Greatest Showman Barnum: Why Hugh Jackman (again)? For a musical that proved that history doesn’t matter if the songs are catchy and everyone is wearing top hats.
26. The Alien: Covenant Flute: Why Michael Fassbender? For a scene so weird it made every sci-fi fan wonder if the xenomorphs were actually just a side plot to an android’s music lesson.
27. The Happy Death Day Mask: Why the loop? For a horror movie that proved Groundhog Day is much scarier when a guy in a baby mask keeps stabbing you.
28. The Murder on the Orient Express Mustache: Why Kenneth Branagh? For a movie where the detective’s facial hair had its own agent and probably its own trailer.
29. The Girls Trip Juice: Why Tiffany Haddish? For a breakout performance that proved you should never, ever go on a zipline after drinking too much.
30. The Justice League Mustache: Why the CGI lip? For a movie where the biggest villain wasn’t Steppenwolf—it was the computer-generated blur on Henry Cavill’s face because he wasn’t allowed to shave for Mission: Impossible.
31. The Ghost in the Shell Suit: Why Scarlett Johansson? For a remake that proved that no matter how much CGI you use, people still care about “casting accuracy.”
32. The Valerian Visuals: Why the opening? For a movie where the first five minutes were a masterpiece and the next 130 minutes were two actors trying to have chemistry in front of a blue screen.
33. The Mother! Chaos: Why the house? For a movie so metaphors-heavy that the audience needed a theology degree just to understand why everyone was eating in Jennifer Lawrence’s kitchen.
34. The 2017 Final Industry Vibe: Why a shift? Because it was the year of the “Elevated Horror,” the year the “Gritty Farewell” became an art form, and the year we realized that fish-men and tea cups are the future of cinema.