55 Doctor Jokes: The 1995 “Pager & Prescription” Edition

In 1995, medical humor revolved around the struggle of the “Family Doctor” becoming a “Managed Care Specialist,” the high-tech mystery of the first digital thermometers, and the eternal battle between a physician’s handwriting and a pharmacist’s sanity. It was the era of ER on TV making everyone think hospitals were glamorous, and patients who brought in medical articles clipped from Reader’s Digest to challenge their surgeons.

The 1995 Top 10: The “Stethoscope & Stationery” Classics

The Handwriting: I took my doctor’s prescription to the pharmacist. He looked at it, went to the back, and came back with a live chicken and a set of jumper cables. I think my doctor meant “take two aspirin,” but I’m not sure.
The Pager: My doctor’s pager went off during my physical. He looked at it and said, “I have to go, it’s an emergency!” I asked what happened. He said, “I’m late for my tee time at the country club.”
The ER Effect: Since ER started airing, my doctor wears a leather jacket and tries to slide across the floor to my exam table. I told him he’s not George Clooney; he’s just a man who needs to check my blood pressure.
The Second Opinion: I told my doctor I wanted a second opinion. He said, “Fine, you’re ugly too.”
The Insurance Form: I spent three hours filling out forms at the clinic. By the time I saw the doctor, my original injury had healed, but I’d developed carpal tunnel syndrome from the paperwork.
The Diagnosis: I told the doctor it hurts when I do this (raising my arm). He looked at me and said, “Then don’t do that. That’ll be eighty dollars.”
The Specialist: My doctor referred me to a specialist for my toe. The specialist referred me to a sub-specialist for my toenail. I’m waiting for the guy who only handles the left side of the pinky toe.
The Apple: They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away. My doctor said, “Only if your aim is good enough to hit me in the head.”
The Amnesia: A guy walks into a 1995 clinic and says, “Doctor, I think I have amnesia.” The doctor says, “When did this start?” The guy says, “When did what start?”
The Waiting Room: I’ve been in the waiting room so long that the copy of National Geographic on the table features an article about the upcoming “Space Shuttle” mission… from 1981.

The Full 1995 Archive (Extended List)

The Stethoscope: I asked the doctor if he could hear anything with that thing. He said, “Yeah, I hear a guy who’s going to be very upset when he sees the bill.”
The Diet: My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four unless there are three other people with me.
The X-Ray: I looked at my X-ray. I asked the doctor what that dark spot was. He said, “That’s a smudge on the lens, but we’ll charge you for a tumor removal just in case.”
The Surgeon: What’s the difference between God and a 1995 surgeon? God doesn’t think he’s a surgeon.
The Jogging: I told the doctor I started jogging to get healthy. He said, “That’s great, it’ll help the paramedics find your body in a more scenic location.”
The Phobia: I told the doctor I’m afraid of heights. He moved my exam to the basement.
The Vision: “Doctor, will I be able to read after this eye surgery?” “Yes, absolutely.” “Great, because I never could before!”
The Medicine: I asked if this medicine has any side effects. He said, “Only one: you’ll suddenly find yourself unable to afford your mortgage.”
The Heart: My doctor told me I have the heart of a 20-year-old. He also told me I should probably give it back to him before the police arrive.
The Reflex: He hit my knee with that little rubber hammer. I kicked him in the chin. He said, “Well, your reflexes are fine, but your attitude needs work.”
The HMO: Why did the 1995 doctor cross the road? Because his HMO told him the patient on the other side was out of network.
The Surgeon’s Fee: I asked the surgeon how much for the operation. He said, “Five thousand dollars.” I said, “I could get a new car for that!” He said, “I know, what do you think I’m buying?”
The Patient: “Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me.” “Next!”
The Thermometer: The doctor tried to use a digital one for the first time. It gave him an error code. He looked at me and said, “According to this, you’re either dead or a microwave.”
The Psychiatrist: I told the psychiatrist my brother thinks he’s a chicken. He said, “Why don’t you turn him in?” I said, “I would, but we need the eggs.”
The Lab Result: I called for my results. The nurse said, “The doctor has some good news and some bad news.” I said, “Give me the good news.” She said, “They’re going to name a disease after you!”
The Fever: I told the doctor I have a 102-degree fever. He said, “Don’t worry, by the time you pay this bill, you’ll be shivering from the cold.”
The Dentist: My dentist said, “This might hurt a little.” I said, “Your bill or the drill?” He didn’t laugh.
The Check-up: He told me I’m in perfect health for a man of my age. I told him I’m 30. He said, “Oh… then we have a lot to talk about.”
The Nurse: I asked the nurse for a glass of water. She said, “Check your insurance, you’re only covered for ice chips.”
The Bone: “Doctor, I broke my arm in two places.” “Well, stop going to those places!”
The Glasses: My doctor said I need glasses. I told him I already have them. He said, “Then why did you walk into the closet and try to sit on the cat?”
The Transplant: I asked for a brain transplant. He said, “We have two available: a scientist’s for $10,000 and a politician’s for $100,000.” I asked why the politician’s was so expensive. He said, “It’s never been used.”
The Pill: He gave me a pill and said, “Take this if you feel a headache coming on.” I asked how the pill knows where my head is.
The Exercise: “Do you exercise?” “I do a lot of lifting.” “Weightlifting?” “No, lifting myself off the couch.”
The Anatomy: I asked where my appendix was. He said, “In a jar in my office. I needed a down payment on my boat.”
The Recovery: I asked how long the recovery would be. He said, “About six months. Three for the wound to heal, and three for you to pay me back.”
The Blood: “Doctor, I’m a universal donor.” “Great, I’m a universal biller. We’re a perfect match.”
The Hospital Food: I asked what the mystery meat was. The nurse said, “It’s a mystery to us too, that’s why we’re a teaching hospital.”
The Anesthesia: I asked if I’d feel anything. He said, “Not until you see the ‘Amount Owed’ column.”
The Scale: I stepped on the scale. The doctor said, “I said one at a time, please.” I’ve never been so insulted in 1995.
The Mirror: He held a mirror under my nose to see if I was breathing. I fogged it up. He said, “Well, you’re alive. That’ll be forty dollars for the mirror rental.”
The Coffee: My doctor told me to cut back on coffee. I told him I only have one cup a day. I didn’t tell him it’s a 32-ounce “Big Gulp” cup.
The Sleep: I told him I can’t sleep. He gave me a copy of my medical records to read. I was out in five minutes.
The Memory: “Doctor, my memory is getting worse.” “How long has this been going on?” “How long has what been going on?”
The Stethoscope Logic: “Your heart sounds like a drum.” “Is that good?” “Only if you’re planning on joining a marching band.”
The Vitamin: I asked if I should take vitamins. He said, “Only if you want your urine to be more expensive.”
The Surgeon’s Hands: I asked if his hands were steady. He said, “They’re fine as long as I don’t think about my ex-wife.”
The Clinic: The sign says “Walk-ins Welcome.” I walked in. They told me the next available appointment is in 1997.
The Cold: “Doctor, I have a cold.” “Take some orange juice and rest.” “But my friend said I should take antibiotics.” “Then go see your friend, he clearly went to medical school too.”
The Height: He measured me. I’ve shrunk an inch. I told him I’m getting shorter. He said, “No, the floor is just getting closer.”
The Bill: I told the doctor I couldn’t pay the bill all at once. He said, “No problem, I’ll just put back the kidney we took out until you can.”
The Operation: I asked if the operation was successful. He said, “I don’t know, I’m still looking for my watch. Have you seen it?”
The Final Word: The doctor said, “You’ll live to be eighty.” I said, “I am eighty.” He said, “See? I’m never wrong.”
The Last Word: “Next patient, please!”