39 Military Jokes: The 2009 “Afghan Surge & Predator Politics” Edition

In 2009, the military learned that “Counterinsurgency” in the desert is one thing, but “Counterinsurgency” in the Hindu Kush is like trying to play chess while climbing a vertical wall of granite. It was the year of the McChrystal Era, the Battle of Kamdesh, and the moment the Air Force realized that flying a drone from a trailer in Nevada is the only job where you can “Go to War” and “Go to Arby’s” in the same hour.

The 2009 Military Top 10: “Valleys & Video Links”

1. The Afghan Surge: Why did we send 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan in 2009? Because the Pentagon decided that the best way to fix a 12th-century country is to add more 21st-century soldiers and a lot of hope.
2. The “Maersk Alabama” Hijacking: Why was 2009 the Navy SEALs’ favorite year? Because they proved that a $20 million training budget is totally worth it when you need to solve a pirate problem with three simultaneous “Don’t-blink” headshots from a bobbing ship.
3. The McChrystal “COIN” Strategy: Why did the General need 60 PowerPoint slides to explain the war? Because if you can’t defeat the Taliban with bullets, you should at least try to confuse them with complex diagrams of “Civil-Military Interoperability.”
4. The Battle of Kamdesh (COP Keating): Why was it a wake-up call? Because it proved that putting a small outpost at the bottom of a bowl-shaped valley is a great way to test your “Air Support Request” response time.
5. The “Remote” Warfare: Why did drone pilots get “Combat Medals” in 2009? To compensate for the fact that their biggest “Battlefield Injury” was carpal tunnel syndrome and a spilled latte.
6. The Russian “Reset” Button: Why did the military laugh in 2009? Because Hillary Clinton gave Sergey Lavrov a button that was supposed to say “Reset” but actually said “Overload”—the most accurate military intelligence failure of the year.
7. The First Flight of the F-35B: Why was the “Vertical Landing” a big deal? Because it’s the most expensive way to park a plane that the world has ever seen.
8. The “Fort Hood” Shooting: Why was “Workplace Violence” the most hated term in the Army? Because in 2009, the military realized the “Front Line” could be the processing center at home.
9. The “Green-on-Blue” Attacks: Why were we nervous around our “Partners” in 2009? Because we spent the morning training them how to shoot and the afternoon hoping they wouldn’t practice on us.
10. The Obama Nobel Peace Prize: Why did the troops find it ironic? Because receiving a “Peace Prize” while ordering a “Surge” is the ultimate example of “Strategic Dissonance.”

The Full 2009 Military Jokes Archive

11. The MRAP-All Terrain Vehicle (M-ATV): Why a new truck? Because the original MRAP was great for roads, but Afghanistan doesn’t have “roads”—it just has “suggestions made of rocks.”
12. The “Human Terrain” Anthropologists: Why were they in the field? To tell the Sergeant that the village leader isn’t angry at the Army, he’s just mad that our generator is louder than his afternoon nap.
13. The “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” Review: Why was it taking so long? Because the Pentagon needed to conduct a “Study” to see if soldiers would mind having colleagues who are good at their jobs and happen to be gay.
14. The Bagram Airfield Expansion: Why did it get so big? So that the “Tactical” experience could include a Pizza Hut, a Burger King, and a 12-minute walk to the bathroom.
15. The “Tactical” Twitter: Why did the military join social media in 2009? To make sure that “Official Truth” could compete with “Viral Rumors” at a speed of 140 characters per second.
16. The “Joint” Strike Fighter Cost: Why did it go up again? Because the F-35 is like a luxury car—every time you look at it, a new “hidden fee” appears.
17. The “Sons of Iraq” Handover: Why were we worried? Because giving the Iraqi government a list of all the people we paid to not fight them is like giving a shark a list of nearby swimmers.
18. The “Winning Hearts and Minds” Tea: Why did we drink so much? To prove that “Diplomacy” is just “Heartburn” by another name.
19. The Eurofighter Typhoon in Saudi Arabia: Why did they buy it? To prove that “Oil Money” can make a European fighter jet appear in the desert faster than a sandstorm.
20. The “Cyber” Domain: Why did the Army create “Cyber Brigades”? To defend our PowerPoint presentations from the “Great Firewall of China.”
21. The MRE “Dairy Shake” Recall: Why was it dangerous? Because in 2009, we realized that “Shelf-stable Milk” is a concept that nature never intended.
22. The “Blue Force Tracker” 2.0: Why the delay? Because the “Blue Icon” kept getting stuck in a mountain, and the technicians didn’t want to admit it was a software bug.
23. The “Over-the-Horizon” Strike: Why do we love them? Because you can stay in your pajamas and still be a “Global Force for Good.”
24. The “Transformation” Death: Why did we stop using the word “Transformation”? Because after 8 years of war, we were “Transformed” enough and just wanted to go home.
25. The Russian Navy in the Caribbean: Why were they there? To prove that they can still find Florida on a map, even if their tugboat has to tow the cruiser the whole way.
26. The “Bio-Metric” Handhelds: Why were they failing? Because it’s hard to scan an iris when the “Subject” is blinking and you’re both standing in a dust storm.
27. The “Tactical” Oakley Sunglasses: Why the M-Frame? Because if you can’t see the enemy, you should at least look like someone who could see the enemy.
28. The “Embedded” Reporters’ Fatigue: Why did they stop coming? Because “Walking uphill for 10 hours” doesn’t get as many clicks as “Breaking News in DC.”
29. The “Hearts and Minds” Soccer Balls: Why did the kids throw them back? Because they realized that a soccer ball doesn’t provide “Electricity” or “Security.”
30. The “Joint” Command Structure: Why 4-star Generals everywhere? Because in 2009, “Accountability” required a lot of gold stars to be legitimate.
31. The “Night Vision” PVS-14: Why was it so blurry? To remind you that “Modern Warfare” is mostly just guessing what that green blob over there is doing.
32. The “Contractor” Security: Why the high pay? Because “Risk” is expensive, but “Insurance” for a mercenary is even higher.
33. The “Information Operations” Leaflets: Why did the locals use them? Mostly for starting cooking fires or as free wallpaper.
34. The “Zero-Defects” Mentality: Why was it a problem? Because it meant that one bad YouTube video could end a 20-year career.
35. The “Strategic Support” of the Navy: Why the “Riverine” units? To prove that the Navy can get muddy, too, even if they’d rather be on a carrier.
36. The “Combat Camera” HD: Why the upgrade? To see the “Confusion” on the ground in 1080p.
37. The “Victory” Definition: Why did it change to “Stability”? Because “Winning” was too hard to spell in Pashto.
38. The “Surge” Logistics: Why so much bottled water? Because the “Greatest Military in History” is nothing without a constant supply of plastic-tasting hydration.
39. The 2009 Final Vibe: Why was it the “Year of the Uphill”? Because we were finally looking at the top of the mountain, only to realize there was another mountain behind it.