39 Grammy Jokes: The 2014 “Get Lucky & The Robot Overlords” Edition

In 2014, the 56th Grammy Awards were a victory for electronic funk and teenage cynicism. Daft Punk cleaned up without saying a single word, Pharrell wore a hat that had its own Twitter account, and 33 couples got married on stage while Queen Latifah presided over the chaos.

The 2014 Red Carpet Top 10: “Helmets, Huge Hats & High Slits”

1. Pharrell’s Hat: Why was Pharrell’s hat the star of the carpet? Because it was so tall it needed its own flight clearance from the FAA and looked like he stole it from the Arby’s logo.
2. Daft Punk’s Helmets: Why didn’t they take off their gear? Because when you’re “Up All Night to Get Lucky,” you don’t have time to do your hair, and besides, robots don’t age.
3. Lorde’s “Royals” Vibe: Why was she the queen of the night? Because at 17, she looked like a gothic priestess and convinced us all that we’ll “never be royals,” right before winning two Grammys for it.
4. The Macklemore “Heist”: Why did Macklemore & Ryan Lewis win Best Rap Album? Because the Grammys decided that “Thrift Shop” was more influential than Kendrick Lamar’s good kid, m.A.A.d city, starting an internet war that still hasn’t ended.
5. The Mass Wedding: Why did 33 couples get married during “Same Love”? Because the Grammys decided that if you can’t win Album of the Year, you might as well officiate a small village’s worth of weddings.
6. Beyoncé’s “Drunk in Love” Opening: Why was the stage so smoky? Because Beyoncé and Jay-Z were giving a masterclass in “married couple goals” that was too hot for broadcast television.
7. Taylor Swift’s “All Too Well” Hair Flip: Why did she headbang so hard at the piano? Because she was feeling every single one of those ten minutes, and she wanted to make sure her hair got its own nomination.
8. Imagine Dragons & Kendrick Lamar: Why was there so much white powder on stage? Because “Radioactive” met “m.A.A.d city” in a performance so explosive it literally looked like a construction site.
9. Katy Perry’s Witchcraft: Why did she perform “Dark Horse” in a forest with a crystal ball? Because she wanted to make sure the Academy knew she had “the eye of the tiger” and the soul of a sorceress.
10. The Beatles Reunion: Why were Paul and Ringo together? To remind everyone that no matter how many robots or rappers are in the room, the Fab Four still run the building.

The Full 2014 Grammy Jokes Archive

11. Album of the Year: Why Random Access Memories? Because the Grammys love it when 70s disco gets a 21st-century software update.
12. Record of the Year: Why “Get Lucky”? Because it’s the only song in history that can make a grandmother and a raver dance at the same wedding.
13. Song of the Year: Why “Royals”? Because singing about being broke is the best way to get rich in the music industry.
14. Best New Artist: Why Macklemore & Ryan Lewis? Because in 2013, you couldn’t enter a second-hand store without hearing their names.
15. Best Rock Album: Why Celebration Day? Because Led Zeppelin won a Grammy in 2014 for a concert they played in 2007 for songs they wrote in the 70s.
16. Best Rock Song: Why “Cut Me Some Slack”? Because when you put Paul McCartney in a room with the surviving members of Nirvana, you just give them the trophy and back away slowly.
17. Best Alternative Music Album: Why Modern Vampires of the City? Because Vampire Weekend proved that “Ivy League Rock” is still the best soundtrack for wearing a sweater over your shoulders.
18. Best Metal Performance: Why “God Is Dead?” by Black Sabbath? Because Ozzy is still here, and apparently, the Academy is relieved about it.
19. Best R&B Album: Why Girl on Fire? Because Alicia Keys is still the “Girl on Fire,” even if her piano is occasionally digital.
20. Best Urban Contemporary Album: Why Unapologetic? Because Rihanna is “Unapologetic” about winning Grammys while barely trying.
21. Best R&B Song: Why “Pusher Love Girl”? Because Justin Timberlake made “addiction to love” sound like a 1950s big band number.
22. Best Rap Album: Why The Heist? Because it actually was a heist—just ask Kendrick Lamar’s fans.
23. Best Rap Performance: Why “Thrift Shop”? Because it was the first time “poppin’ tags” was considered a high-art musical achievement.
24. Best Rap/Sung Collaboration: Why “Holy Grail”? Because Jay-Z and Justin Timberlake are the only two people allowed to compare fame to a religious relic.
25. Best Rap Song: Why “Thrift Shop”? (See: Joke #23. The Academy really loved those 99-cent fur coats).
26. Best Pop Solo Performance: Why “Royals”? Because Lorde’s voice is like a cool breeze in a room full of hairspray.
27. Best Pop Duo/Group Performance: Why “Get Lucky”? Because robots work better in pairs.
28. Best Pop Vocal Album: Why Unorthodox Jukebox? Because Bruno Mars is the only man who can channel Elvis, Prince, and Michael Jackson in one 40-minute record.
29. Best Dance/Electronic Album: Why Random Access Memories? (The Robots again. They’re taking over the world, one category at a time).
30. Best Country Album: Why Same Trailer Different Park? Because Kacey Musgraves told us to “Follow Your Arrow,” and it led her straight to the podium.
31. Best Country Solo Performance: Why “Wagon Wheel”? Because Darius Rucker proved that a Hootie can definitely be a Country star.
32. Best Reggae Album: Why Ziggy Marley in Concert? Because the “Marley” name on a ballot is basically a legal requirement for a win.
33. Best Comedy Album: Why Calm Down by Kathy Griffin? Because she’s the only person who can get banned from a network and win a Grammy in the same year.
34. Best Spoken Word Album: Why America Again by Stephen Colbert? Because he’s Stephen Colbert, and he has a shelf specifically designed for “winning everything.”
35. Best Compilation Soundtrack: Why Sound City: Real to Reel? Because Dave Grohl loves analog tape almost as much as he loves winning Grammys.
36. Best Score Soundtrack: Why Skyfall? Because Thomas Newman and Adele made James Bond sound like a 21st-century opera.
37. Best Music Film: Why Live Kisses? Because Paul McCartney singing standards is the “comfort food” of the Academy.
38. Best Music Video: Why “Suit & Tie”? Because watching Justin Timberlake drink old-fashioneds in black and white is the height of 2014 luxury.
39. The 2014 Final Grammy Vibe: Why was it unforgettable? Because it was the night the “Robots” (Daft Punk) ruled the world, “The Hat” (Pharrell) stole the show, and we all learned that “Same Love” was more than a song—it was a 33-wedding ceremony on national TV.