41 Grammy Jokes: The 2009 “Raising Sand & Revolutionary Coldplay” Edition

In 2009, the 51st Grammy Awards were a celebration of “Strange Pairings.” Robert Plant and Alison Krauss proved that you don’t need to scream or dance to sweep the board, while the “Swagga Like Us” crew brought more star power to one stage than most galaxies have in total.

The 2009 Red Carpet Top 10: “Neon, Netting & Near-Births”

1. M.I.A.’s Due Date: Why was M.I.A. the MVP? Because she performed “Swagga Like Us” while nine months pregnant on her actual due date, proving that “Paper Planes” aren’t the only things she can deliver under pressure.
2. The Plant & Krauss Sweep: Why did Raising Sand win Album of the Year? Because the Academy decided that a Led Zeppelin god and a Bluegrass angel together was the most sophisticated thing to happen since the invention of the cello.
3. Coldplay’s Costumes: Why were they dressed like Napoleon’s army? Because Chris Martin wanted to make sure that if “Viva la Vida” didn’t win, he at least had the outfits ready for a theatrical retreat.
4. Adele’s Arrival: Why did she win Best New Artist? Because the world heard “Chasing Pavements” and realized we were about to spend the next 15 years crying into our tea while she collects every trophy in existence.
5. The Jonas Brothers’ Debut: Why were they there? To represent the “Purity Ring” era and to remind everyone that if you have enough hair gel, you can conquer the world (until Adele shows up).
6. Katy Perry’s Fruit: Why did she perform inside a giant banana? Because “I Kissed a Girl” was a hit, and apparently, the best way to celebrate that is with a high-fiber stage set.
7. Lil Wayne’s Domination: Why was he the King of Rap? Because in 2008, Tha Carter III was the only album that was legally required to be played in every car with a subwoofer.
8. The “Swagga Like Us” Lineup: Why was the stage sagging? Because Jay-Z, T.I., Kanye West, and Lil Wayne were all on it at once. That’s enough ego to create its own gravitational pull.
9. Jennifer Hudson’s Triumph: Why was her win so emotional? Because after a year of personal tragedy, her Best R&B Album win was the moment the entire world wanted to give her a standing ovation.
10. Radiohead’s Marching Band: Why did they perform with the USC marching band? Because regular drums are too “mainstream” for Thom Yorke’s 2009 vibe.

The Full 2009 Grammy Jokes Archive

11. Album of the Year: Why Robert Plant & Alison Krauss? Because the Grammys love it when “Old School” meets “Cool School.”
12. Record of the Year: Why “Please Read the Letter”? Because it’s the most polite way to win a major award.
13. Song of the Year: Why “Viva la Vida”? Because “I used to rule the world” is a very relatable lyric for anyone holding a Grammy.
14. Best New Artist: Why Adele? Because “Best of All Time Artist” wasn’t a category yet.
15. Best Rock Album: Why Viva la Vida or Death and All His Friends? Because Coldplay proved that art-rock can still sell out stadiums.
16. Best Rock Song: Why “Girls in Their Summer Clothes”? Because Bruce Springsteen can make a song about a sundress sound like a national anthem.
17. Best Alternative Music Album: Why In Rainbows? Because Radiohead let people pay “whatever they wanted” for it, and the Grammys decided to pay them back in gold.
18. Best Hard Rock Performance: Why “Wax Simulacra” by Mars Volta? Because the Grammys wanted to reward a song that is 90% drum fills and 10% pure chaos.
19. Best Metal Performance: Why “My Apocalypse” by Metallica? To prove that even after 25 years, Metallica can still make a “Death Magnetic” pull on the trophy room.
20. Best R&B Album: Why Jennifer Hudson? Because talent always finds a way to the top, even through the darkest times.
21. Best Female R&B Vocal: Why “Superwoman”? Because Alicia Keys is the only person who can wear a cape and a piano at the same time and make it look normal.
22. Best Male R&B Vocal: Why “Miss Independent” by Ne-Yo? Because he made being a “Gentleman” the coolest thing in R&B since the suit and tie.
23. Best Contemporary R&B Album: Why Growing Pains by Mary J. Blige? Because Mary J. doesn’t have “pains,” she has “Grammy-winning opportunities.”
24. Best Rap Album: Why Tha Carter III? Because Lil Wayne made “Lollipop” sound like a street anthem and the world just went with it.
25. Best Rap Solo Performance: Why “A Milli”? Because that’s how many times we heard that beat in 2008.
26. Best Rap/Sung Collaboration: Why “American Boy”? Because Estelle and Kanye West made London and New York sound like the same party.
27. Best Rap Song: Why “Lollipop”? Because the Grammys finally admitted they like candy.
28. Best Female Pop Vocal: Why “Chasing Pavements”? Because Adele doesn’t chase pavements—pavements move out of her way.
29. Best Male Pop Vocal: Why “Say” by John Mayer? Because he “says what he needs to say,” and what he needed to say was “I’d like another Grammy, please.”
30. Best Pop Collaboration: Why “Rich Woman”? (Plant and Krauss again. They’re like the Midas touch of 2009).
31. Best Pop Vocal Album: Why Rockferry by Duffy? Because for about six months, we all thought she was the “New Adele,” until we realized there’s only one Adele.
32. Best Dance Recording: Why “Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger” (Live)? Because Daft Punk are robots, and robots don’t lose.
33. Best Electronic/Dance Album: Why Alive 2007? Because it took the Grammys two years to realize how epic that pyramid stage was.
34. Best Country Album: Why Troubadour by George Strait? Because “The King of Country” has a permanent seat at the winner’s table.
35. Best Female Country Vocal: Why “Last Name” by Carrie Underwood? Because it’s the best song ever written about having a really good time in Vegas and forgetting who you married.
36. Best Male Country Vocal: Why “Letter to Me” by Brad Paisley? Because writing a letter to your younger self is a great way to win an award from older voters.
37. Best Reggae Album: Why Jah Is Real by Burning Spear? Because when a legend speaks, the Academy listens.
38. Best Comedy Album: Why It’s Bad for Ya by George Carlin? Because even posthumously, George Carlin is funnier than everyone else in the room.
39. Best Compilation Soundtrack: Why Juno? Because 2009 was the year of the “Indie Folk” boom and orange Tic-Tacs.
40. Best Score Soundtrack: Why The Dark Knight? Because Hans Zimmer and James Newton Howard made the Joker sound even more terrifying.
41. The 2009 Final Grammy Vibe: Why was it legendary? Because it was the night the “Rock God” (Plant) and the “Bluegrass Queen” (Krauss) stole the show, M.I.A. almost had a baby on stage, and the Grammys officially entered the “Adele Era”—a period of history where we all just agree to give her every award ever made.