34 Politicians Jokes: The 2009 “Inaugurations & Innovations” Edition

In 2009, the world was nursing a financial hangover while trying to figure out if “Bitcoin” was a real thing or just a nerd’s fever dream. It was the year of “Hope and Change” hitting the reality of “Gridlock and Deficits,” the year the King of Pop took his final bow, and the year a flight landed in the Hudson River because even birds were tired of the economy.

The 2009 Top 10: “Swearing In & Stepping Up”

1. The Obama Inauguration: Why did 2 million people stand in the freezing cold in D.C.? Because they wanted to see if the “Hope” they bought in 2008 would actually start working as soon as he touched the Bible. (Spoiler: The line for “Hope” was longer than the line for the port-a-potties).
2. The Birth of Bitcoin: Why did Satoshi Nakamoto release Bitcoin in 2009? Because after watching the banks lose everyone’s money, he decided it was safer to trust a mathematical algorithm that nobody understood than a banker in a silk tie.
3. The “Miracle on the Hudson”: Why was Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger a hero to politicians? Because he managed to crash a plane without killing anyone—a skill most world leaders try to master with the national budget every year.
4. “You Lie!”: Why did Joe Wilson shout during Obama’s speech? Because in 2009, decorum in Congress officially moved from “Polite Disagreement” to “Early 2000s Reality TV Show.”
5. The Nobel Peace Prize: Why did Barack Obama win it in 2009? Even he didn’t know. It was the first time someone got a “Lifetime Achievement Award” just for finishing the introductory training module.
6. The H1N1 “Swine Flu” Scare: Why were politicians obsessed with pigs? Because they finally found something associated with “pork” that was scarier to the public than the federal stimulus package.
7. The Death of Michael Jackson: Why did the world stop in June? Because the “King of Pop” left us, and for one week, even the most self-obsessed politicians realized they would never be as famous as the guy who did the Moonwalk.
8. The G20 London Summit: Why was the photo-op so awkward? Because it was the first time the “Old World” leaders had to sit next to the “Emerging Market” leaders and ask them for a loan.
9. The Cash for Clunkers Program: Why did the government pay people to scrap their cars? Because in 2009, the only way to save the auto industry was to destroy the cars people actually liked and replace them with ones they couldn’t afford.
10. The Tea Party Movement: Why did people start wearing tricorn hats again? Because they realized that “Taxed Enough Already” made a better acronym than “We’re Just Really Mad About Everything.”

The Full 2009 Politicians Jokes Archive

11. Gordon Brown’s “Bigot” Moment: Why did the UK PM regret his hot mic? Because calling a voter a “bigoted woman” is a bold campaign strategy when you’re already 20 points down in the polls.
12. The Launch of Windows 7: Why did politicians love it? Because it finally fixed the mess that was Windows Vista—proving that if you just wait long enough, someone will eventually fix your mistakes for you.
13. The Tiger Woods Scandal: Why did politicians feel relieved in November? Because for the first time all year, someone else’s “private life” was more disastrous than the national debt.
14. The Copenhagen Climate Summit: Why was it a “flop”? Because 115 world leaders showed up to save the planet, but they couldn’t even agree on who should pay for the light bulbs in the conference room.
15. Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State: Why was she always on a plane? Because after the 2008 primary, she realized that being in North Korea was sometimes more relaxing than being in a meeting with Rahm Emanuel.
16. The “Beer Summit”: Why did Obama invite a professor and a cop to the White House? To prove that any racial tension in America can be solved with a cold Bud Light and a nice patio set.
17. The Resignation of Sarah Palin: Why did she quit as Governor of Alaska? To spend more time with her “true constituents”—the people who watch reality TV and buy books with very large fonts.
18. The Death of Ted Kennedy: Why was Washington so somber? Because the “Lion of the Senate” was gone, leaving a hole in the Democratic Party that couldn’t be filled by a dozen “New Liberals.”
19. Benjamin Netanyahu’s Return: Why did he become PM again? Because in Israeli politics, “Bibi” is like the weather—you might not always like it, but it’s probably going to be there when you wake up.
20. The Stimulus Package: Why was it $787 billion? Because $788 billion sounded like too much, and $786 billion wouldn’t have been enough to cover the new “high-speed rail” that never actually got built.
21. The Pirates of the Maersk Alabama: Why was Captain Phillips a hero? Because he proved that American diplomacy works best when it’s backed up by three Navy SEALs with very clear instructions.
22. The Launch of FarmVille: Why was this a political threat? Because millions of people started caring more about their digital corn than the actual agricultural subsidies in the Farm Bill.
23. The Silvio Berlusconi Statue Incident: Why did a man throw a miniature cathedral at the Italian PM? Because in Italy, if you don’t like the policy, you use the architecture to express your disapproval.
24. The Burqa Ban Debate in France: Why was Sarkozy worried about veils? Because when the economy is failing, the best thing to do is start an argument about what women are wearing.
25. The GM Bankruptcy: Why did “General Motors” become “Government Motors”? Because the U.S. Treasury realized that owning a car company is much harder than just taxing one.
26. The Angry Birds Launch: Why did politicians relate to it? Because their job also consists of throwing highly-strung birds at a bunch of pigs who stole their green eggs (budget).
27. The Mark Sanford “Appalachian Trail” Scandal: Why was the Governor of South Carolina actually in Argentina? Because the “Appalachian Trail” is very long, very scenic, and apparently goes through Buenos Aires if you’re in love with a journalist.
28. The FIFA World Cup Qualifying “Hand of Gaul”: Why was Ireland mad at Thierry Henry? Because he used his hand to help France qualify, proving that in 2009, even sports were as rigged as a subprime mortgage.
29. The Twitter Revolution in Iran: Why were the green headbands everywhere? Because it was the first time we realized that a social media platform could be used for something other than sharing what you had for breakfast.
30. The Swiss Minaret Ban: Why did Switzerland vote to stop building towers? To prove that “Neutrality” doesn’t mean you can’t be very specific about the skyline.
31. The $10 Million Goldman Sachs Bonuses: Why were people angry? Because the banks took the bailout money, paid back the loans, and then threw a party while everyone else was eating store-brand cereal.
32. The Launch of Bing: Why did Microsoft try to fight Google again? To give us a second way to search for “Why is the economy still bad?”
33. The “Avatar” Movie: Why did politicians love the blue people? Because it was a story about a massive military operation that was eventually defeated by some locals and some trees—a plot they found very familiar.
34. The Final 2009 Political Vibe: Why was it the “Year of Reality”? Because we started with a party on the National Mall and ended with the realization that fixing the world takes a lot more than a “Follow” button and a hope for the best.