41 Oscars Jokes: The 2007 “Scorsese’s Redemption, Ellen’s Vacuum & The Departed’s Victory” Edition

In 2007, the 79th Academy Awards finally fixed one of Hollywood’s biggest glitches: Martin Scorsese’s empty trophy shelf. It was the year Ellen DeGeneres turned the Kodak Theatre into her living room, Jennifer Hudson went from American Idol reject to Oscar royalty, and we learned that a movie about a rat in Boston is officially “Best Picture” material.

The 2007 Red Carpet Top 10: “Rats & Royalty”

1. The Scorsese Coronation: Why did it take so long for Marty to win? Because the Academy wanted to make sure he suffered exactly as much as the characters in his movies before giving him the gold.
2. The Ellen DeGeneres Vacuum: Why did Ellen start cleaning the carpet? To show that even at the Oscars, someone has to pick up the crumbs of the dreams that didn’t come true.
3. The “Three Amigos” Domination: Why were Cuarón, del Toro, and Iñárritu everywhere? Because in 2007, the Academy realized that Mexico was producing more magic than a Las Vegas hat shop.
4. The Jennifer Hudson Win: Why was her Dreamgirls win so sweet? Because she proved that getting kicked off a singing show is just the first step toward making everyone who voted against you feel very, very small.
5. The Helen Mirren “Queen” Sweep: Why was her win a lock? Because she played the Queen so well that even the real Queen Elizabeth probably checked her own ID to make sure she wasn’t Helen Mirren.
6. The Forest Whitaker Power: Why did he win Best Actor? Because playing Idi Amin is the most terrifying way to ensure that nobody in the Academy dares to vote for anyone else.
7. The “Pan’s Labyrinth” Visuals: Why did the fairy tale win so many technicals? Because it turns out that having eyes in your hands is more “artistic” than having them in your head.
8. The Al Gore “Inconvenient” Win: Why did a documentary about the weather win an Oscar? To prove that even if you lose the Presidency, you can still win a gold statue by scaring everyone about the ice caps.
9. The Meryl Streep “Prada” Look: Why was she nominated again? Because playing a terrifying fashion editor is the only role where Meryl doesn’t have to act—she just has to walk into a room.
10. The Best Animated Feature: Why did Happy Feet win? Because the Academy decided that dancing penguins are the only solution to global warming (and better than Cars).

The Full 2007 Oscars Jokes Archive

11. The “Departed” Best Picture: Why did it win? Because the Academy finally realized that “The Departed” is just “The Untouchables” with more swearing and better accents.
12. The Best Supporting Actor Surprise: Why did Alan Arkin win for Little Miss Sunshine? To prove that being a grumpy, drug-using grandpa in a yellow van is the peak of the American Dream.
13. The Best Original Screenplay: Why did Little Miss Sunshine win? Because it’s the only movie where a dead body and a beauty pageant make for a wholesome family night.
14. The Best Adapted Screenplay: Why did The Departed win? Because turning a Hong Kong thriller into a Boston bloodbath is the most profitable “Translation” in history.
15. The Best Costume Design: Why did Marie Antoinette win? Because even if the movie didn’t have a plot, it had enough cake and lace to feed and clothe a small country.
16. The Best Art Direction: Why did Pan’s Labyrinth win? Because building a giant underground world is easier than figuring out the plot of The Prestige.
17. The Best Cinematography: Why did Pan’s Labyrinth sweep the technicals? Because Guillermo del Toro is the only person who can make a nightmare look like a five-star hotel.
18. The Best Makeup Win: Why did the monsters win? Because turning an actor into a pale man with no nose is the official facial of 2007.
19. The “Letters from Iwo Jima” Nod: Why was Clint Eastwood back? Because he’s the only person who can film a war in two different languages and still get home for dinner.
20. The Best Sound Mixing: Why did Dreamgirls win? Because if you can’t hear Jennifer Hudson hitting the high notes, you don’t have a movie—you have a tragedy.
21. The Best Sound Editing: Why did Letters from Iwo Jima win? Because the sound of “Honor” is very difficult to record in a studio.
22. The Best Visual Effects: Why did Pirates of the Caribbean win? Because Johnny Depp’s eyeliner isn’t the only thing that’s “Special” about those movies.
23. The Best Original Score: Why did Gustavo Santaolalla win again? Because he’s the only man who can win two Oscars in a row by playing three notes on a lonely guitar.
24. The Best Original Song: Why did An Inconvenient Truth win? To give Al Gore a chance to have a “Victory Speech” that didn’t involve a Florida recount.
25. The Best Foreign Language Film: Why did The Lives of Others win? Because the Academy loves a movie about spying, as long as it’s in German and very depressing.
26. The Best Documentary Feature: Why was Jesus Camp ignored? Because the Academy preferred their documentaries with more polar bears and less political tension.
27. The Best Film Editing: Why did Thelma Schoonmaker win (again)? Because she is the only person who can make Martin Scorsese’s movies move faster than his talking speed.
28. The Best Live Action Short: Why did West Bank Story win? Because a musical about falafel and the Middle East is the most “Oscars” thing ever conceived.
29. The Best Animated Short: Why did The Danish Poet win? Because even in a short film, the Academy loves a good European accent.
30. The Ennio Morricone Honorary Award: Why? Because after 50 years of making every movie sound better, they realized they should probably give him a statue before he retired to Italy forever.
31. The Best Documentary Short: Why did The Blood of Yingzhou District win? Because the Oscars love a story that makes the entire room feel like they should donate their gift bags to charity.
32. The Eddie Murphy Snub: Why didn’t he win for Dreamgirls? Because Norbit came out two weeks before the voting, reminding the Academy that even legends have bad days.
33. The Leonardo DiCaprio Nomination: Why was he there for Blood Diamond? To show that he can do any accent in the world, as long as it involves him looking very stressed.
34. The Abigail Breslin Presence: Why was the 10-year-old the star? To remind the grown-ups that acting is easy if you just act like you’re having fun.
35. The Jack Black & Will Ferrell Number: Why did they sing about “Comedians not winning”? Because it’s the only truth ever spoken during an Oscar ceremony.
36. The Celine Dion Performance: Why did she sing for Ennio Morricone? Because the Academy decided that “Epic” and “Celine” are the same word in the Hollywood dictionary.
37. The Jerry Lewis Award: Why did he get the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award? Because after 50 years of Telethons, he finally got a trophy that doesn’t require a phone call.
38. The Governor’s Ball: Why was the food so “Sustainable”? Because after Al Gore’s win, eating a non-recycled shrimp felt like a crime.
39. The Ellen “Selfie” Prototype: Why did she take a picture with Steven Spielberg? Because she was ten years ahead of the Twitter trend and didn’t even know it.
40. The Best Art Direction: Why did Pan’s Labyrinth win? Because the Academy decided that “Creepy” is the new “Classy.”
41. The 2007 Final Oscars Vibe: Why was it a “Classic” year? Because it was the night the “Rat” finally won, the “Queen” stayed the Queen, and Martin Scorsese finally became the “King of Hollywood” at the 2007 Oscars.