36 Presidential Jokes: The 2003 “Shock, Awe & Freedom Fries” Edition

In 2003, the Presidency was defined by the desert. It was the year of “Mission Accomplished” (the sign, not the reality), the year the White House looked for WMDs like a lost set of car keys, and the year the world realized that a “Coalition of the Willing” basically meant anyone who didn’t mind a very long flight to Baghdad.

The 2003 Executive Top 10: “Invasions & Infamy”

1. The “Shock and Awe” Premiere: Why did the Pentagon call it “Shock and Awe”? Because “Very Loud and Extremely Expensive” didn’t have the same ring to it for the 24-hour news cycle.
2. The Mission Accomplished Banner: Why was the 2003 banner on the USS Abraham Lincoln a problem? Because it turns out “Accomplished” is a very strong word to use when you still haven’t found the guy you were looking for.
3. The Freedom Fries Movement: Why did the House cafeteria rename French Fries? Because in 2003, the best way to show the French we were mad was to give ourselves indigestion in the name of liberty.
4. The Search for WMDs: Why were the weapons of mass destruction so hard to find? Because they were like the President’s reading glasses—everyone was sure they were in the room, but nobody wanted to admit they might not exist.
5. The Saddam “Spider Hole” Capture: Why was the 2003 capture so dramatic? Because after months of searching, the “Ace of Spades” was found living in a hole that had worse reception than a 2003 cell phone.
6. The Deck of Cards Manhunt: Why did the military put Iraqi leaders on playing cards? Because in 2003, the Pentagon decided that the best way to win a war was to turn it into a very high-stakes game of Poker.
7. The Arnold “Governator” Election: Why did George W. Bush welcome Schwarzenegger to politics? Because he finally found someone whose accent made his own “Texasisms” sound like Shakespeare.
8. The “Bring ‘Em On” Quote: Why did the President say “Bring ’em on”? Because in 2003, he thought the war was a Western movie, and he forgot that movies usually end after two hours.
9. The Concorde Retirement: Why did the supersonic jet stop flying in ’03? Because even the planes realized that the 21st century was going to be about “security lines” and “extra fees,” not “speed and luxury.”
10. The Finding Nemo Craze: Why did the White House watch Finding Nemo? Because “Just keep swimming” became the unofficial motto for the search for Iraqi chemical plants.

The Full 2003 Presidential Jokes Archive

11. The State of the Union “16 Words”: Why were 16 words so controversial? Because in 2003, the only thing more dangerous than a dictator was a footnote that hadn’t been double-checked by the CIA.
12. The Coalition of the Willing: Why was it called that? Because “The United States, The UK, and Anyone Else Who Wants a White House Invitation” was too long for a press release.
13. The Department of Homeland Security Birthday: Why did it turn one in ’03? To celebrate a full year of telling Americans that a “Yellow Alert” was just a “Code Orange” that had been through the wash.
14. The Baghdad Bob Briefings: Why was the Iraqi Information Minister a hit? Because he was the only person in 2003 who could look at a tank in his backyard and tell the press it was actually a very large ice cream truck.
15. The Old Europe vs. New Europe: Why did Rumsfeld divide the continent? To make sure that the countries that liked us (New Europe) got all the cool stickers at the NATO summit.
16. The iTunes Store Launch: Why did Steve Jobs save the world (again)? Because in 2003, we needed a way to buy “Hey Ya!” for 99 cents without getting a subpoena from the RIAA.
17. The Jessica Lynch Rescue: Why was it the top story in April? Because after weeks of desert sand, America needed a hero story that didn’t involve a PowerPoint presentation.
18. The Matrix Reloaded Disappointment: Why did the Cabinet relate to the sequel? Because they also found that the first part of the mission was much easier to understand than the second part.
19. The SARS Outbreak: Why was the world wearing masks in ’03? Because we realized that “Globalism” meant sharing everything—including a very scary cough from across the ocean.
20. The Space Shuttle Columbia Tragedy: Why was the flag at half-staff in February? To remind us that even in a year of “High-Tech War,” the stars are still very far away and very dangerous.
21. The Human Genome Project Completion: Why was this a big deal? Because we finally mapped the human DNA, only to find out that “Political Stubbornness” is actually a dominant gene.
22. The 50 Cent “In Da Club” Era: Why did the Secret Service like the song? Because “Go shorty, it’s your birthday” was exactly how they greeted the President on July 6th.
23. The MySpace Launch: Why did the President ignore MySpace? Because he figured that “Top 8 Friends” was a concept that would never work in a town like Washington D.C.
24. The North Korea Nuclear Talk: Why was Kim Jong-il in the news? Because the “Axis of Evil” wasn’t going to update its roster by itself.
25. The Blackout of 2003: Why did the lights go out in the Northeast? To prove that the “Greatest Superpower on Earth” could still be defeated by a single tree branch in Ohio.
26. The “Mission Accomplished” Costume: Why did the President wear a flight suit? To show the world that if the “Leader of the Free World” thing didn’t work out, he was ready for Top Gun 3.
27. The Valerie Plame Leak: Why was a spy’s name in the paper? Because in 2003, “Classified Information” was treated like a hot gossip column in the Washington Post.
28. The Dixie Chicks Boycott: Why were their CDs being crushed by tractors? Because in 2003, “Freedom of Speech” came with a “No Criticism of Texas” fine print.
29. The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King: Why was it the movie of the year? Because everyone in D.C. wanted to know how to get rid of a “Precious” ring without having to walk into a volcano.
30. The Medicare Prescription Drug Act: Why did Bush sign it? To prove that the GOP could spend money on grandmas just as fast as the Democrats could.
31. The Libyans Giving Up WMDs: Why did Gaddafi surrender his nukes? Because he saw what happened to the guys in the “Spider Holes” and decided he liked his tent just the way it was.
32. The Paris Hilton “Simple Life” Premiere: Why was it popular? Because after a year of “Complex War,” watching two rich girls try to milk a cow was the only thing that made sense.
33. The Blackberry 6210: Why was it the king of 2003? Because it was the first time a politician could check his approval ratings while pretending to listen to a sermon.
34. The “Embedded” Journalists: Why were reporters in tanks? Because the Pentagon realized that if you give a journalist a helmet and a bumpy ride, they’ll write much better reviews of the war.
35. The California Recall: Why was it so weird? Because only in America can a movie star, a child star, and a porn star all run for the same office and lose to a guy named Arnold.
36. The Final 2003 Vibe: Why was it a “Dusty” year? Because between the Iraq desert, the Mars rovers, and the crumbling of old alliances, everything in 2003 felt like it needed a good rinse.