35 Presidential Jokes: The 2013 “Snowden Leaks & Healthcare 404” Edition

In 2013, the American Presidency learned that the “Information Age” is a double-edged sword. It was the year we found out the NSA was reading our texts, the year the government “closed for business” in October, and the year the President’s biggest rival wasn’t a Republican, but a loading icon on a website.

The 2013 Executive Top 10: “Surveillance & Shutdowns”

1. The Edward Snowden Revelations: Why was the White House so mad at Snowden? Because they thought “Cloud Computing” meant the government owned the clouds, not that a guy in Hawaii could leak them.
2. The Healthcare.gov Launch: Why was the Obamacare website so slow? Because it was the first time in history a computer program was designed to have the same efficiency as a DMV office.
3. The Government Shutdown: Why did the national parks close in October? Because Congress decided that if they couldn’t agree on a budget, nobody deserved to look at a mountain for 16 days.
4. The NSA Meta-Data Scandal: Why did the President say “Nobody is listening to your calls”? Because in 2013, “Listening” was a technical term for “Storing everything you’ve ever said in a giant building in Utah.”
5. The “Selfie” of the Year: Why was the Obama selfie at Nelson Mandela’s funeral a scandal? Because it proved that not even a world leader can resist the urge to document their “Good Hair Day,” even during a memorial service.
6. The Red Line in Syria: Why was the “Red Line” so blurry in 2013? Because the President realized that drawing a line in the sand is easy, but deciding what to do when someone walks over it is a “Purple Alert.”
7. The Pope Francis Election: Why was the White House watching the white smoke? To see if the Vatican’s “Transition of Power” was faster than the one between the House and the Senate.
8. The Netflix Binge-Watching Era: Why did politicians love House of Cards? Because it made their daily backstabbing look like a high-budget drama instead of a low-budget reality show.
9. The Boston Marathon Heroism: Why was “Boston Strong” the slogan of 2013? To remind the President that while Washington argues, the rest of the country actually knows how to show up for each other.
10. The Royal Baby (Prince George): Why did Americans care so much? To distract themselves from the fact that their own “Founding Fathers” wouldn’t recognize the 2013 tax code.

The Full 2013 Presidential Jokes Archive

11. The “Tapped” Phone Calls: Why was Angela Merkel mad at Obama? Because she found out the NSA had “Unlimited Minutes” on her personal cell phone plan.
12. The 404 Error Page: Why was it the mascot of 2013? Because whether you were looking for a health plan or a bipartisan compromise, “Page Not Found” was the most common result.
13. The Frozen Movie Premiere: Why did the President like Elsa? Because “Let it Go” was exactly what he wanted to say to the 113th Congress.
14. The “What Does the Fox Say?” Craze: Why did the White House study the video? To see if the Fox could give them better advice than Fox News.
15. The Google Glass “Glassholes”: Why were they banned from D.C. bars? Because even in a city of spies, nobody likes a guy recording his happy hour in 720p.
16. The Miley Cyrus Twerk: Why was the VMA performance a national crisis? Because for 24 hours, the White House was grateful that people were talking about a foam finger instead of the deficit.
17. The “Nuclear Option” in the Senate: Why did Harry Reid finally use it? To prove that in 2013, the only way to get a judge confirmed was to blow up the 100-year-old rules of the club.
18. The Jeff Bezos Buys the Washington Post: Why was the White House nervous? Because they were afraid that “Prime Delivery” would now apply to their leaked documents.
19. The Candy Crush Addiction: Why was it popular on Capitol Hill? Because matching three candies is the closest many congressmen got to “Problem Solving” all year.
20. The “I Had No Idea” Defense: Why was it the 2013 motto? Because in the world of surveillance and bad websites, “Ignorance” was the only legal strategy left.
21. The Cronut Craze: Why did people wait in line for hours? To prove that Americans will tolerate any “Shutdown” as long as there’s a half-croissant, half-donut at the end of it.
22. The Iron Man 3 Success: Why did the President relate to Tony Stark? Because they both had a lot of “Drones” and a “Heart” that was occasionally powered by a glowing battery.
23. The Curiosity Rover’s First Birthday: Why did it sing “Happy Birthday” to itself on Mars? To show that in 2013, even a robot felt lonely in a universe full of bad news.
24. The Bitcoin Hit $1,000: Why was the Treasury confused? Because they couldn’t figure out how to tax a “Coin” that you can’t drop in a vending machine.
25. The Vine 6-Second Videos: Why were they perfect for 2013? Because six seconds is the exact attention span of a voter reading a “Fact Check.”
26. The Man of Steel Premiere: Why was Superman so “dark” in 2013? Because even a superhero realized that “Truth, Justice, and the American Way” required a lot of paperwork and a background check.
27. The IRS Scandal: Why were the “Tea Party” groups being targeted? To remind everyone that in Washington, the only thing more dangerous than a “Lobbyist” is a “Non-Profit” with a political agenda.
28. The “Grand Bargain” Failure: Why didn’t it happen? Because in 2013, a “Bargain” in D.C. meant “I get what I want and you get a press release.”
29. The George W. Bush Paintings: Why did the world love his bathtub self-portraits? Because it was the first time since 2008 that a President’s “Draft” didn’t involve a military intervention.
30. The Harlem Shake Trend: Why did every government office do it? To prove that “Organized Chaos” isn’t just a policy—it’s a dance move.
31. The GTA V Release: Why was it the biggest game ever? Because in 2013, “Simulated Crime” was the only way most people could afford a luxury car and a mansion.
32. The “If You Like Your Plan” Lie of the Year: Why did PolitiFact give it the title? Because even the most optimistic “Hope” can’t survive a “Cancelation Notice” in the mail.
33. The Batkid in San Francisco: Why did the White House tweet him? To show that in 2013, we all needed a 5-year-old in a mask to save us from the “Villains” in the news.
34. The “Pivot to Asia”: Why was it so slow? Because the President realized that “Pivoting” is hard when your feet are stuck in a “Budget Sequestration.”
35. The Final 2013 Vibe: Why was it “Glitchy”? Because between the website crashes, the surveillance leaks, and the “Frozen” soundtrack, we ended the year realizing the 21st century needed a “Restart” button.