35 Politicians Jokes: The 2012 “Mayan Prophecies & Martian Pictures” Edition

In 2012, the world was supposedly ending, but politicians were too busy campaigning to notice. It was the year of “Binders full of women,” a rover named Curiosity proving there’s more life on Mars than in a budget hearing, and the moment a Korean pop star taught world leaders how to dance like they were riding an invisible horse.

The 2012 Top 10: “Survival & Social Media”

1. The Mayan Apocalypse: Why were politicians the only ones not worried about the world ending on December 21st? Because they already had their re-election fundraisers scheduled for 2014, and not even an ancient prophecy was going to stop a campaign donation.
2. Obama’s Re-election: Why did Barack Obama win a second term? Because “Four More Years” sounded better to voters than “Let’s see what the guy who likes firing people (Mitt Romney) does with the national economy.”
3. The London Olympics: Why was the Queen jumping out of a helicopter with James Bond the highlight of the year? Because it was the first time in history a British monarch showed more “action” than the entire House of Commons combined.
4. “Binders Full of Women”: Why did Mitt Romney’s comment become a meme? Because it reminded voters that in 2012, some politicians still thought “diversity” was something you could organize in a three-ring binder from Staples.
5. Curiosity Lands on Mars: Why were NASA scientists crying tears of joy? Because they managed to land a one-ton robot on another planet using a “Sky Crane,” while Congress was still struggling to pass a bill without a government shutdown.
6. The “47 Percent” Video: Why was a secret recording the end of the Romney campaign? Because it’s hard to win an election when you accidentally tell a room full of billionaires that half the country is “dependent on the government” while the waiter is still in the room.
7. Vladimir Putin’s Return: Why did Putin become President again in May? Because the “job swap” with Medvedev was the longest and most obvious game of musical chairs in political history—and Putin was the only one who knew where the chair was hidden.
8. The Eurozone “Grexit” Fears: Why was Greece the most popular topic in Brussels? Because the EU spent the whole year trying to figure out if they could keep a country that invented democracy but apparently forgot how to invent a balanced budget.
9. Hurricane Sandy: Why did Chris Christie hug Barack Obama? Because when a “superstorm” hits your coast a week before an election, “bipartisanship” suddenly becomes a lot more attractive than a party platform.
10. The Higgs Boson Discovery: Why did scientists call it the “God Particle”? Because just like a politician’s promise, it’s responsible for everything, but it’s incredibly hard to find and even harder to explain to the public.

The Full 2012 Politicians Jokes Archive

11. The Launch of Windows 8: Why did users hate the “Start” button being gone? Because it felt like a government reform—they removed the one thing that actually worked and replaced it with colorful tiles nobody asked for.
12. The “Bunga Bunga” Trials: Why was Silvio Berlusconi in court? To prove that even if you own the media, the law eventually catches up with your parties—unless you can stall the trial until the statue of limitations runs out.
13. The Benghazi Attack: Why did this become a four-year debate? Because in 2012, “Foreign Policy” turned into a political football that both sides refused to stop kicking, even after the game was over.
14. The Pussy Riot Trial: Why were three women in a Russian jail? Because they performed a “punk prayer” in a cathedral, proving that in Putin’s Russia, the only thing more dangerous than a spy is a guitar and a colorful balaclava.
15. The “Gangnam Style” Fever: Why did Ban Ki-moon do the dance? To prove that the UN Secretary-General can be “hip,” while the rest of the world realized that 1 billion views is more power than a seat on the Security Council.
16. The Diamond Jubilee: Why was the UK celebrating 60 years of the Queen? To remind everyone that Prime Ministers come and go, but the lady in the bright hat is permanent.
17. The Tesla Model S Launch: Why did it change everything? Because it was the first electric car that didn’t look like a science project, making politicians realize the “Oil Era” might actually have an expiration date.
18. The “East China Sea” Disputes: Why were China and Japan arguing over rocks? Because in 2012, an uninhabited island is the perfect place to start a nationalistic argument when your domestic economy is slowing down.
19. The Facebook IPO: Why was the “social network” stock crash a joke? Because it turned out that “Likes” aren’t a currency you can use to pay back a multi-billion dollar investment—at least not in the first week.
20. The Death of Neil Armstrong: Why did the world mourn the first man on the moon? To remember a time when “Greatness” meant going to the lunar surface, not just getting 10,000 retweets for a snappy comeback.
21. The “Kony 2012” Video: Why was this the first “viral” activism? Because it proved that you can get 100 million people to care about a warlord in Africa for exactly one week before they get distracted by a new cat video.
22. The François Hollande Victory: Why did France elect a “Normal” President? Because after Sarkozy’s “Hyper-Presidency,” the French just wanted a guy who looked like he could order a baguette without making a three-hour speech about it.
23. The Sandy Hook Tragedy: Why did the world go silent in December? Because it was the moment America realized that “thoughts and prayers” were becoming a standard government response to an unthinkable reality.
24. The London 2012 Opening Ceremony: Why was the “NHS” tribute a political statement? To remind the world that the Brits love their free healthcare almost as much as they love Mr. Bean playing the synthesizer.
25. The “Fiscal Cliff”: Why were we staring at a cliff in December? Because Congress decided that the best way to handle the budget was to wait until 11:59 PM on New Year’s Eve to decide if the country was going to go bankrupt.
26. The Bo Xilai Scandal: Why was the Chinese rising star arrested? Because his wife, a British businessman, and a villa in France turned his political career into a Netflix thriller before Netflix was even a thing.
27. The Landing of “Curiosity” (Part 2): Why was the “Mohawk Guy” at NASA a star? Because he proved that you can work for the government and still have a cool haircut, which was the biggest shock of 2012.
28. The Syrian Civil War Escallation: Why was the “Red Line” so controversial? Because Obama realized that drawing a line in the sand is easy, but deciding what to do when someone crosses it is where the “Hope” gets complicated.
29. The Felix Baumgartner Space Jump: Why did 8 million people watch a guy jump from a balloon? Because it was the only way in 2012 to get higher than the national debt.
30. The “Big Bird” Debate: Why was Mitt Romney picking on a puppet? Because he promised to cut funding for PBS, making a 6-foot-tall yellow bird the most effective political operative of the election.
31. The Death of Whitney Houston: Why did the Grammy’s feel different? Because the “Voice” was gone, and politicians realized they couldn’t hit those high notes even with an auto-tune budget.
32. The M-23 Rebellion in Congo: Why was the world ignoring it? Because it’s hard to trend on Twitter when you’re not a “Mayan Apocalypse” or a “Gangnam Style” dancer.
33. The Euro 2012 Championship: Why did Poland and Ukraine host? To prove that football can bring Europe together, even if the Euro currency was trying its best to tear it apart.
34. The Introduction of the iPad Mini: Why did Apple make a smaller tablet? So politicians could hide their social media scrolling even more easily during important committee meetings.
35. The Final 2012 Political Vibe: Why was it the “Year of the Re-set”? Because the world didn’t end, the President didn’t change, and we all realized that the “Future” was just the “Present” with a lot more Wi-Fi and a few more memes.