34 Politicians Jokes: The 1997 “Cool Britannia & Red Planets” Edition

In 1997, the world felt like it was finally moving into the future, but the dial-up connection was still making that screeching noise. It was the year of landslide victories, the return of Hong Kong, and politicians realizing that if you didn’t have a “media strategy,” you didn’t exist.

The 1997 Top 10: “Landslides & Legacies”

1. Tony Blair’s Landslide: Why did Tony Blair win so big in May ’97? Because after 18 years of the Conservatives, the British public would have voted for a Spice Girl if she promised “Things Can Only Get Better.”
2. The Death of Princess Diana: Why were world leaders so quiet in September? Because for one week, the entire planet cared more about a funeral in London than any treaty, summit, or budget cut in history.
3. The Mars Pathfinder: Why were politicians jealous of the Sojourner rover? Because it managed to find signs of life on a dead planet faster than they could find signs of bipartisanship in Washington.
4. The Hong Kong Handover: Why was Prince Charles so gloomy in July? Because he had to hand over a world-class financial hub to China, while he couldn’t even get his own mother to hand him the keys to the family business.
5. Bill Clinton’s Second Inauguration: Why was the 1997 inauguration so relaxed? Because Bill knew he didn’t have to run again, and the Republicans knew they had four more years to find a reason to impeach him.
6. Madeleine Albright: Why was she the toughest person in the State Department? Because as the first female Secretary of State, she proved that “diplomacy” is just a polite word for telling world leaders what to do while wearing a very expensive brooch.
7. The Handover of Hong Kong (Part 2): Why did the Chinese celebrate so hard? Because they got a trillion-dollar city for free, while the rest of us were still paying $2.00 a minute for long-distance calls.
8. The Kyoto Protocol: Why were politicians sweating in Japan? Not because of global warming, but because they had to sign a climate treaty that they all knew their successors would ignore for the next 20 years.
9. Deep Blue vs. Kasparov (The Rematch): Why did Garry Kasparov lose? Because in 1997, even the smartest humans realized that computers don’t get tired, don’t have egos, and—unlike politicians—actually learn from their mistakes.
10. The Clone Wars (Dolly the Sheep): Why was the Vatican so upset about a sheep? Because they were worried that if scientists could clone a Dolly, it was only a matter of time before someone tried to clone a tax-paying citizen.

The Full 1997 Politicians Jokes Archive

11. Newt Gingrich’s Fine: Why was the Speaker of the House so short on cash? Because he became the first Speaker ever disciplined for ethics violations, proving that even “Contracts with America” have late fees.
12. The F-22 Raptor: Why did the Pentagon love their new jet? Because it cost $100 million to fly, which is roughly the same price as a 30-second campaign ad in California.
13. Boris Yeltsin’s Heart: Why was Russian politics so “surgical”? Because Boris spent more time in the hospital than in the Kremlin, proving you can run a superpower as long as the anesthesia holds.
14. The Spice Girls meet Nelson Mandela (Again): Why did Mandela call them his “heroes”? Because he spent 27 years in prison and realized that “Wannabe” was still less painful than solitary confinement.
15. The Bull Market: Why were politicians so happy in ’97? Because the Dow hit 7,000 and 8,000, and they all took credit for it, despite most of them not knowing the difference between a stock and a sock.
16. Mobutu Sese Seko: Why did the dictator of Zaire finally leave? Because even after 32 years of stealing, he realized you can’t take a gold-plated leopard skin hat with you when the rebels are at the front door.
17. Tiger Woods at the White House: Why did Clinton love Tiger? Because Tiger was the only person in the U.S. who could get out of a “rough” better than the President.
18. The Pathfinder Images: Why did NASA release the Mars photos online? To see if the internet would break. It didn’t, but it did prove that humans will wait 40 minutes to see a grainy picture of a red rock.
19. Tony Blair’s “Cool Britannia”: Why was the UK so trendy? Because the Prime Minister invited Oasis to 10 Downing Street, finally making “government” look like a Britpop after-party.
20. Fidel Castro and the Pope: Why did the Pope visit Cuba? Because after 40 years of Communism, Fidel figured a little “divine intervention” might be the only way to fix the sugar harvest.
21. The Chemical Weapons Convention: Why was this a big deal? Because world leaders finally agreed that gassing people was a “no-go,” which is the kind of progress that only takes 100 years of practice.
22. Mike Tyson vs. Evander Holyfield: Why did politicians talk about the “Ear Bite”? Because they were impressed that someone found a way to be more aggressive during a meeting than a Senate subcommittee.
23. The Hale-Bopp Comet: Why were politicians staring at the sky? Because they hoped the comet would take the “special prosecutor” away with it.
24. The Thaw in Iran (Khatami): Why were people hopeful about the new Iranian President? Because he smiled in photos, which in 1997 passed for a major diplomatic breakthrough.
25. The Verity of “Titanic”: Why did politicians hate the movie Titanic? Because it reminded them that no matter how much you spend on the boat, the iceberg (or the voters) always wins.
26. The Woolworths Closure: Why was the UK sad? Because Woolworths closed its doors, leaving British politicians as the only place left where you could buy useless items in bulk.
27. Al Gore’s “Earth in the Balance”: Why was Al so stiff? Because he was trying to carry the weight of the planet on his shoulders while also trying to figure out how to invent the “Buy” button on Amazon.
28. The $100 Billion Budget Surplus (almost): Why were the accountants crying? Because for the first time in decades, the U.S. government almost had extra money, and nobody knew how to spend it without starting a war.
29. Mary McAleese: Why was the Irish election special? Because one woman (Mary Robinson) handed the Presidency to another woman, making Ireland the only place in 1997 where the “glass ceiling” was actually just a skylight.
30. The DVD Launch: Why did politicians love DVDs? Because they hoped that “Chapter Selection” would allow voters to skip the parts of their speeches where they talked about taxes.
31. The Luxembourg Summit: Why were European leaders arguing? Because they were trying to decide which countries were “rich enough” to join the Euro, and everyone was hiding their wallets.
32. The First “Blog”: Why was 1997 the start of the end? Because the word “weblog” was coined, ensuring that every politician’s mistake would now be archived by a guy in pajamas forever.
33. The British Handover of Hong Kong (Part 3): What did the UK get back? A very nice commemorative plate and a lot of feelings.
34. The Final 1997 Political Vibe: Why was it a “Year of Transition”? Because we spent the whole year mourning the icons of the past and uploading the icons of the future—mostly at 56kbps.