33 Christmas Jokes: The 2017 “Fidget Spinners & Despacito” Edition

In 2017, Christmas was a whirlwind. We were all staring at a Solar Eclipse, wondering if the “Cash Me Outside” girl was for real, and trying to figure out why everyone was suddenly obsessed with Pennywise the clown.

The 2017 Top 10: “Spinning Toys & Slow Songs”

1. Fidget Spinners: Why was the 2017 holiday so dizzy? Because every stocking was filled with a three-pronged piece of plastic that did absolutely nothing except spin for 30 seconds and annoy every teacher in America.
2. Despacito: Why was the holiday dinner so “slow”? Because Luis Fonsi and Justin Bieber released a song that played so many billions of times that even the Christmas carols started to sound like reggaeton.
3. The Solar Eclipse: Why was everyone wearing cardboard glasses in August? Because the sun disappeared for two minutes, and for the rest of the year, we all felt like we had a “Total Eclipse of the Heart” (and the retinas).
4. Wonder Woman: Why was the holiday so “wonderful”? Because Gal Gadot proved that a golden lasso and a shield are the only accessories you need to save the world and the box office.
5. IT (The Movie): Why were the kids afraid of red balloons? Because Pennywise returned, and suddenly every sewer grate in the neighborhood looked like a very bad place to drop your Christmas candy.
6. The iPhone X: Why was Dad staring intensely at his phone? He wasn’t mad; he was just trying to use “FaceID” to unlock his screen while wearing a Santa beard, and the phone was having an existential crisis.
7. Cash Me Outside: Why was the teenage niece so aggressive? Because Danielle Bregoli became a star, and now “How bow dah?” was the only answer to “Can you please pass the salt?”
8. The Last Jedi: Why was the fandom divided? Because Luke Skywalker was drinking green milk and throwing his lightsaber away, and everyone spent Christmas dinner arguing about whether Porgs were cute or just “merch with wings.”
9. Coco (Pixar): Why was everyone crying over a guitar? Because Disney made us all “Remember Me” and realize that family history is beautiful, especially when it involves skeletons and marigolds.
10. Fortnite (Battle Royale Launch): Why did the kids stop opening physical boxes? Because they were too busy “dropping into Tilted Towers” and doing the “Floss” dance in the middle of the living room.

The Full 2017 Christmas Archive (Highlights)

11. The “Distracted Boyfriend” Meme: Why was the holiday photo so relatable? Because we all felt like the guy looking at “New Toys” while our “Old Toys” looked on in horror.
12. La La Land vs. Moonlight: Why was the gift announcement so awkward? Because everyone was afraid the person reading the tag would say “This is for Mike,” then pause and say, “Wait, there’s a mistake—this is actually for Sarah!”
13. Get Out: Why was everyone stirring their tea so slowly? Because Jordan Peele made “The Sunken Place” the scariest concept of 2017, especially when you’re stuck at a long holiday party.
14. The Nintendo Switch: Why was the car ride so quiet? Because the Switch launched, and kids could finally play Zelda in the backseat without getting car sick (mostly).
15. Logan: Why was Wolverine so tired? Because 2017 was the year of “Old Man Logan,” proving that even superheroes need a nap and a pair of reading glasses.
16. The “Salt Bae” Peak: Why was the turkey seasoned from such a high altitude? Because Dad saw the meme and thought that dropping salt off his forearm made the gravy “artisanal.”
17. Beauty and the Beast (Live Action): Why was the furniture so talkative? Because Emma Watson brought the “Tale as Old as Time” to life, and we all spent a fortune on yellow dresses.
18. The Royal Engagement: Why were the tea sets out? Because Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced their engagement, and every grandmother officially started planning a trip to London.
19. Kendrick Lamar – “Humble”: Why was the dinner so modest? Because Kendrick told us all to “sit down” and “be humble,” even if we just got the last piece of pie.
20. The Handmaid’s Tale: Why was the red cloak so popular? Because the show premiered and suddenly “Blessed be the fruit” was the creepiest way to say “Merry Christmas.”
21. The RompHim: Why was the cousin wearing a male romper? Because 2017 was the year fashion decided that adult men should dress like giant toddlers for the summer.
22. Shape of You: Why was Ed Sheeran everywhere? Because he was “in love with the shape of” every single radio station playlist from January to December.
23. The “Mocking Spongebob” Meme: Why was the teenager repeating everything in a high-pitched voice? bEcAuSe tHiS wAs tHe hIgHeSt fOrM oF iNtElLeCtUaL dEbAtE iN 2017.
24. Thor: Ragnarok: Why was the holiday so “colorful”? Because Taika Waititi turned the God of Thunder into a comedy star and gave us the best synth-pop soundtrack of the year.
25. The Fyre Festival: Why was the “luxury” dinner just a piece of cheese on bread? Because 2017 taught us that if an influencer tells you to go to a private island, you should probably just stay home.
26. Cardi B – “Bodak Yellow”: Why were the “bloody shoes” the best gift? Because Cardi B became the first solo female rapper to hit #1 since 1998, and “money moves” were the only moves we made.
27. Justice League: Why was the mustache so “blurry”? Because Henry Cavill’s CGI-removed facial hair was the most distracting thing in superhero history.
28. The “Hot Dog” Snapchat Filter: Why was a 3D sausage dancing on the mashed potatoes? Because 2017 was the year we reached the peak of Augmented Reality humor.
29. Stranger Things 2: Why was there a “Shadow Monster” in the backyard? Because the sequel was out, and we all learned that Steve Harrington is actually the best “Mom” in Hawkins.
30. Taylor Swift – “Reputation”: Why did the old Taylor “not come to the phone”? Because she was dead (apparently), and the new Taylor had a pet snake and a lot of things to say.
31. Spider-Man: Homecoming: Why was the superhero so “young”? Because Tom Holland brought Spiderman back to high school, and we all realized we were getting very, very old.
32. The “BBC Dad” Video: Why was the holiday office call so funny? Because we all lived for the moment a toddler and a baby in a walker crashed a serious political interview.
33. The Final 2017 Vibe: Why was everyone “Spinning”? Because between the fidget toys and the news cycle, we weren’t sure which way was up, but we were ready for 2018.