39 Grammy Jokes: The 2019 “This Is America & Shallow Vibes” Edition

In 2019, the 61st Grammy Awards were a turning point. It was the night a rap song finally won Song and Record of the Year, Kacey Musgraves brought “Golden Hour” to the mainstream, and Cardi B became the first solo female rapper to win Best Rap Album, making every “okurrr” in history sound like a victory lap.

The 2019 Red Carpet Top 10: “Oysters, Hats & Power Suits”

1. Cardi B’s Oyster Dress: Why did Cardi B arrive as a vintage Mugler oyster? Because she was the pearl of the industry, and she wanted to make sure nobody forgot she was a literal work of art.
2. Childish Gambino’s Absence: Why did “This Is America” win everything while Donald Glover stayed home? Because the song was so powerful it didn’t even need its creator in the room to collect the trophies.
3. Lady Gaga’s Rock Star Era: Why did she win for “Shallow”? Because she and Bradley Cooper convinced the entire world they were in love for three minutes, and the Academy is a sucker for a good “Haaa-ah-ah-ah-aaah.”
4. Kacey Musgraves’ Golden Night: Why did Golden Hour win Album of the Year? Because she proved that you can mix country, disco, and LSD and still be the most wholesome person in Nashville.
5. Janelle Monáe’s Pynk Pants: Why was her performance so iconic? Because she brought “black girl magic” and “vagina pants” to the Grammy stage, proving that the future of pop is queer, black, and very, very stylish.
6. Post Malone & Red Hot Chili Peppers: Why was this a duo? Because in 2019, the only thing cooler than Post Malone’s face tattoos was Anthony Kiedis’s mustache.
7. Dolly Parton’s Tribute: Why was the stage so crowded? Because when Dolly Parton shows up, every singer in a five-mile radius is legally required to sing backup for her.
8. Dua Lipa’s Best New Artist Win: Why was her speech a dig? Because she reminded the world that women “stepped up” this year, throwing some serious shade at the previous year’s “Presidential” comments.
9. Drake’s Cut-Off Speech: Why did the mic go dead? Because Drake started telling everyone that trophies don’t matter, and the Grammys—who literally hand out trophies—decided they had heard enough.
10. H.E.R.’s Glasses: Why does she always wear them? To make sure that even if we can’t see her eyes, we can definitely see her two new Grammys reflecting in the lenses.

The Full 2019 Grammy Jokes Archive

11. Album of the Year: Why Golden Hour? Because Kacey Musgraves made an album so peaceful it actually lowered the global heart rate for 45 minutes.
12. Record of the Year: Why “This Is America”? Because it was the first time the Grammys realized that a beat drop could also be a political statement.
13. Song of the Year: Why “This Is America”? (Gambino again. He’s the first rapper to win this, which only took the Academy about 30 years to figure out).
14. Best New Artist: Why Dua Lipa? Because “New Rules” were exactly what the Grammys needed to follow.
15. Best Rock Album: Why From the Fires? Because Greta Van Fleet proved that if you sound exactly like Led Zeppelin, the Grammys will treat you exactly like Led Zeppelin.
16. Best Rock Song: Why “21 Hours”? No, it was “Masseduction” by St. Vincent! For proving that a neon guitar and a killer riff are the best way to fight the machine.
17. Best Alternative Music Album: Why Colors? Because Beck has a lifetime membership to this category and he’s not moving out.
18. Best Metal Performance: Why “Electric Messiah” by High on Fire? To remind the front row that their earplugs aren’t working well enough.
19. Best R&B Album: Why H.E.R.? Because she’s the most talented person you still haven’t seen the eyes of.
20. Best Urban Contemporary Album: Why Everything Is Love? Because The Carters (Beyoncé & Jay-Z) rented out the Louvre just to remind us they have more money and better taste than everyone else.
21. Best R&B Song: Why “Boo’d Up”? Because Ella Mai made every person with a crush feel like they were 15 again.
22. Best Rap Album: Why Invasion of Privacy? Because Cardi B turned “no filter” into “no competition.”
23. Best Rap Performance: Why a tie between Kendrick Lamar and Anderson .Paak? Because the Academy couldn’t decide who was cooler, so they just gave everyone a trophy.
24. Best Rap/Sung Collaboration: Why “This Is America”? (Gambino’s trophy case was getting very crowded this night).
25. Best Rap Song: Why “God’s Plan”? Because Drake made a song about his middle-class problems and turned it into a $50,000 giveaway.
26. Best Pop Solo Performance: Why “Joanne (Where Do You Think You’re Goin’?)? Because Lady Gaga can make a song about her aunt sound like a celestial event.
27. Best Pop Duo/Group Performance: Why “Shallow”? Because Bradley Cooper discovered that singing with Gaga is the best way to get a Grammy without being a singer.
28. Best Pop Vocal Album: Why Sweetener? Because Ariana Grande made an album so sweet it should have come with a toothbrush.
29. Best Dance Recording: Why “Electricity”? Because Dua Lipa and Silk City created a song that actually generated enough power to light up the Staples Center.
30. Best Dance/Electronic Album: Why Woman Worldwide? Because Justice proved that French Electronic music is still the coolest thing on the planet.
31. Best Country Album: Why Golden Hour? Because Kacey Musgraves is the only person who can bring a disco ball to a rodeo and win.
32. Best Country Solo Performance: Why “Butterflies”? Because Kacey Musgraves had a lot of them, and so did the voters.
33. Best Reggae Album: Why 44/876? Because Shaggy and Sting are the “Dad Trip to Jamaica” duo we didn’t know we needed.
34. Best Comedy Album: Why Equanimity & The Bird Revelation? Because Dave Chappelle is the only person who can win a Grammy just for sitting on a stool and talking.
35. Best Score Soundtrack: Why Black Panther? Because Ludwig Göransson made Wakanda sound exactly like the masterpiece it is.
36. Best Song Written for Visual Media: Why “Shallow”? (Again. At this point, the song was being played on loop in the lobby).
37. Best Music Video: Why “This Is America”? Because it’s the only video that requires a 20-minute YouTube essay to explain why it’s brilliant.
38. Best Music Film: Why Quincy? Because a documentary about Quincy Jones is basically a documentary about why the Grammys exist.
39. The 2019 Final Grammy Vibe: Why was it a game-changer? Because it was the night “America” (Gambino) finally got recognized by the Academy, “Golden Hour” (Kacey) brought peace to the world, and Lady Gaga reminded us that we’re all just a few “ah-ah-ahs” away from greatness.