37 Presidential Jokes: The 2019 “Perfect Calls & Mueller Reports” Edition

In 2019, the American Presidency was a mix of a legal thriller and a real estate brochure. It was the year of the “No Collusion” victory lap, the “Quid Pro Quo” debate, and the year the President offered to buy an entire semi-autonomous territory from Denmark because, why not?

The 2019 Executive Top 10: “Transcripts & Territory”

1. The “Perfect” Phone Call: Why was the call to Ukraine called “perfect”? Because in 2019, a conversation that leads to an impeachment is exactly what you want on your permanent record, right?
2. The Mueller Report Release: Why was the 448-page report like a gym membership? Because everyone talked about having it, but nobody actually went through all the heavy lifting to finish it.
3. The “Buy Greenland” Proposal: Why did the President want to buy Greenland? Because after eight years of “Real Estate” experience, he figured a giant block of ice was the only thing missing from the Trump Collection.
4. The Sharpiegate Map: Why did the President use a marker on a hurricane map? To prove that in 2019, the weather doesn’t follow the laws of physics—it follows the laws of the Executive Branch.
5. The First Impeachment: Why was the 2019 impeachment like a reboot of a classic movie? Because we knew the ending (the Senate acquittal) before the first scene even started.
6. The “No Collusion, No Obstruction” Mantra: Why did the President repeat it 5,000 times? Because in 2019, if you don’t turn your legal defense into a catchy slogan, are you even a politician?
7. The Baby Yoda Phenomenon: Why was Baby Yoda the most popular figure of 2019? Because he was the only one in the galaxy who could stay quiet and still get everyone to love him—a skill D.C. has never mastered.
8. The “Hamberders” at the White House: Why did the President serve fast food to champions? To show that “Fine Dining” in 2019 meant a silver platter and a mountain of Big Macs that you paid for yourself.
9. The Nancy Pelosi “Slow Clap”: Why was the State of the Union clap so famous? Because it was the first time “Sarcasm” was performed at a professional, Olympic-medal level.
10. The Area 51 Raid: Why did millions sign up to “See Them Aliens”? Because after 2019 politics, most Americans figured that a secret underground alien base was the most logical place to hide.

The Full 2019 Presidential Jokes Archive

11. The “Human Scum” Tweet: Why did the President call his critics that? Because “People I Disagree With” didn’t have enough “2019 Energy” for a morning Twitter thread.
12. The Greta Thunberg Staredown: Why was the UN summit so tense? Because the only thing more powerful than a “Presidential Decree” is a Swedish teenager with a death stare.
13. The “Windmills Cause Cancer” Quote: Why did the President say that? Because in 2019, “Environmental Science” was just another word for “Things That Irritate Me during a Rally.”
14. The Avengers: Endgame Success: Why did it resonate? Because in 2019, we all wanted a “Snap” that could fix the world, but we settled for a three-hour movie instead.
15. The “I am the Chosen One” Quote: Why did he say it while looking at the sky? To remind the press that his “Modesty” was just as big as his “Ego.”
16. The Old Town Road Domination: Why was the song everywhere? Because in 2019, everyone was trying to “Ride ’til they can’t no more”—mostly to get away from the news.
17. The “Send Her Back” Chant: Why was it a 2019 scandal? Because “Constructive Political Criticism” had been officially replaced by “Rhythmic Chanting.”
18. The Notre Dame Fire: Why did it make D.C. sad? To remind everyone that even things built to last 800 years can have a very bad Monday.
19. The “Stable Genius” (Part 3): Why did it come back? Because in 2019, the President wanted to make sure we knew that his “Genius” was still “Stable,” even if the staff turnover wasn’t.
20. The Game of Thrones Finale: Why was the White House happy? Because for once, someone else was being criticized for a “Bad Ending” more than they were.
21. The “Oranges” of the Investigation: Why did he keep saying “Oranges” instead of “Origins”? To prove that in 2019, even the President’s fruit intake was part of a “Witch Hunt.”
22. The Facebook Libra Announcement: Why did the government stop it? Because D.C. decided that “Mark Zuckerberg having his own currency” was a step too far even for 2019.
23. The “Tough” Phone Call with Denmark: Why did he cancel the trip? Because the Danish Prime Minister said Greenland wasn’t for sale, and the President doesn’t do “No” for an answer.
24. The First Photo of a Black Hole: Why was it so blurry? To match the “Transparency” of the 2019 tax returns.
25. The Joker Movie Release: Why were people nervous? Because a story about a guy who stops caring about the rules felt a little too much like a C-SPAN documentary.
26. The “Information” from Foreign Countries: Why did Trump say he’d listen to it? Because in 2019, “Opposition Research” was considered a “Gift” if it came in a foreign accent.
27. The Bottle Cap Challenge: Why was it a 2019 hit? Because “Spinning your foot to open a bottle” was more productive than most of the 2019 Congressional sessions.
28. The “Low IQ” Robert De Niro Jabs: Why did the President attack an actor? To prove that “Method Acting” and “Method Tweeting” are both very intense professions.
29. The Mick Mulvaney “Get Over It” Presser: Why was the acting Chief of Staff so blunt? Because in 2019, “Admitting it” was the new “Denying it.”
30. The Disney+ Launch: Why did everyone subscribe? To find a reality where the only “Empire” we had to worry about was the one with the Stormtroopers.
31. The “Baghdadi Died Like a Dog” Quote: Why was the President so graphic? Because he wanted to make sure that “Justice” sounded as much like an action movie as possible.
32. The “Fake News” Awards (Part 3): Why were they still a thing? Because in 2019, the only thing more popular than the news was the “Director’s Cut” of why the news was wrong.
33. The Adam Schiff “Parody” Reading: Why was the GOP mad? Because in 2019, “Parody” and “Reality” were so close they needed a DNA test to tell them apart.
34. The “Pocahontas” (Legacy): Why was it still a thing in 2019? Because Elizabeth Warren was running for President, and nicknames never expire in the “Trump Era.”
35. The “I Don’t Know Him” Defense: Why did the President say it about so many people? To prove that “Selective Memory” is the most important skill for a 21st-century leader.
36. The Peloton Commercial Outrage: Why were people mad? To show that in 2019, we could turn “A Woman getting an Exercise Bike” into a national conversation about the patriarchy.
37. The Final 2019 Vibe: Why was it “Tense”? Because we ended the year with an Impeachment, a trade war, and the realization that 2020 was going to be “The Big One.”