38 Emmy Awards Jokes: The 2013 “Breaking Bad’s Coronation, The Newsroom Shock & The Candelabra Sweep” Edition

In 2013, the 65th Primetime Emmy Awards saw the television world hold its breath. It was the year Breaking Bad finally ascended the throne as Best Drama, Modern Family continued its relentless streak, and Jeff Daniels caused Las Vegas bookies to weep by stealing the trophy from the heavy favorites.

The 2013 Emmy Red Carpet Top 10: “Blue Suits, Meth Jokes & The Netflix Arrival”

1. The Breaking Bad Coronation: Why did it finally win Best Drama? Because after five seasons, the Academy decided it was safer to give Walter White the trophy before he came to their houses to collect it himself.
2. The Jeff Daniels Shock: Why did he beat Bryan Cranston? For proving that delivering long, angry monologues in The Newsroom is more important to Emmy voters than cooking blue meth.
3. The Netflix Revolution: Why was everyone whispering about House of Cards? Because it was the first year “watching TV” didn’t actually require owning a television, which terrified half the room.
4. The Behind the Candelabra Sweep: Why did the Liberace biopic win 11 awards? Because Michael Douglas and Matt Damon proved that nothing says “Prestige TV” like sequins, furs, and very expensive pianos.
5. The Modern Family Four-peat: Why did they win again? Because in 2013, voting for any other sitcom was considered a technical glitch by the Academy.
6. The Bobby Cannavale Upset: Why did he beat Aaron Paul? For being so terrifying in Boardwalk Empire that voters were afraid he’d show up with a baseball bat if they didn’t check his name.
7. The Julia Louis-Dreyfus Streak: Why did she win a second straight for Veep? Because Selina Meyer is the only politician Americans still want to watch after the election results are in.
8. The Merritt Wever Speech: Why was her speech a hit? Because she walked on stage, said “Thank you so much, I gotta go, bye,” and ran away. It was the most honest moment in Emmy history.
9. The Neil Patrick Harris Hosting: Why him again? Because NPH can dance, sing, and joke simultaneously, making every other host look like their batteries are running low.
10. The Game of Thrones “Red Wedding”: Why the jokes? Because after that episode, half the audience was still traumatized and flinched every time the orchestra started playing.

The Full 2013 Emmy Jokes Archive

11. Worst Dressed (The 2013 Sheer Trend): Why so much transparent fabric? Because in 2013, everyone wanted to show they were just human under those gowns (humans with very expensive personal trainers).
12. Outstanding Comedy: Why Modern Family? For making being dysfunctional look like the most profitable career path in California.
13. Outstanding Drama: Why Breaking Bad? For proving that chemistry is the only high school subject that actually helps you in (criminal) life.
14. Outstanding Lead Actor (Comedy): Why Jim Parsons? Because the Emmys love Sheldon Cooper more than Sheldon loves his “spot” on the couch.
15. Outstanding Lead Actress (Comedy): Why Julia Louis-Dreyfus? Because Tony Hale (Gary) holding her purse on stage while she accepted is the ultimate display of Hollywood loyalty.
16. Outstanding Lead Actor (Drama): Why Jeff Daniels? Because nobody expected the guy from Dumb and Dumber to win for being the smartest guy in the news.
17. Outstanding Lead Actress (Drama): Why Claire Danes? For her second win for Homeland and for proving that crying on camera is her legitimate superpower.
18. The Tony Hale Win: Why did Gary from Veep get an Emmy? Because being a Vice President’s “body man” is hard work that finally paid off in gold.
19. The Anna Gunn Win: Why did Skyler White finally win? For surviving five seasons with Walter and millions of angry internet comments.
20. The Aaron Paul Snub: Why didn’t Jesse Pinkman win? Because the Academy felt that yelling “Bitch!” at the end of the gala wasn’t quite enough for a third trophy (this time).
21. The Michael Douglas Speech: Why were his jokes about Matt Damon a hit? Because Candelabra is the only film where two of cinema’s toughest guys fought over who had more glitter.
22. The Kevin Spacey “House of Cards” Buzz: Why didn’t he win? Because Frank Underwood is probably planning a revenge plot that will take two more seasons to execute.
23. The Daily Show’s Loss: Why did they lose after 10 years? Because The Colbert Report finally proved that fake-Republican narcissism is funnier than fake news.
24. The Amazing Race Dominance: Why did they win again? Because watching people argue in a taxi in Vietnam never gets old.
25. The Louie Writing Win: Why was Louis C.K. back again? For proving that being a miserable comedian is the most stable career path in TV.
26. The Parks and Recreation Snub: Why no trophy for Amy Poehler? Because the universe apparently doesn’t want Leslie Knope to be happy outside of Pawnee.
27. The Game of Thrones Visuals: Why the technical awards? Because by Season 3, the dragons were so big they started eating the budgets of other HBO shows.
28. The 30 Rock Farewell: Why only one writing award? Because Tina Fey left with style, leaving a lifetime supply of “Night Cheese” for future generations.
29. The Downton Abbey Hype: Why didn’t Maggie Smith show up? Because she probably thinks Emmy statuettes are a bit too “nouveau riche” for someone of her lineage.
30. The Sherlock: A Study in Pink: Why was Benedict Cumberbatch the talk of the town? Because internet fans wrote more posts about him than there were votes cast in his category.
31. The American Horror Story: Asylum: Why was Jessica Lange nominated? For proving that being a nun in a madhouse is the perfect material for an autumn awards collection.
32. The Laura Linney Win: Why The Big C: Hereafter? Because nobody makes a terminal illness look quite so prestigious.
33. The 30-Second Rule: Why was the orchestra so aggressive? Because Neil Patrick Harris had seven more dance numbers to get through before midnight.
34. The Mad Men Decline: Why 0 wins from 12 nominations? Because Don Draper started drinking so much that even the Academy got worried about his liver.
35. The Girls Snub: Why didn’t Lena Dunham win? Because by 2013, Brooklyn hipsters were already “too mainstream” for the Emmys.
36. The Bob Newhart Moment: Why was his first Emmy at age 84 so important? Because he proved you’re never too old for success in TV, as long as you’re a legend.
37. The Breaking Bad “Ozymandias”: Why the whispers? Because that episode was so good it should have won an Emmy, an Oscar, and a Nobel Peace Prize simultaneously.
38. The Netflix “Binge-Watching” Joke: Why? Because Kevin Spacey reminded everyone that you can now watch an entire season in your pajamas over one weekend.